Merry Christmas!

From our little Angel to yours...




Love,

Sarah, Ryan & Claire

Happy 8 month birthday Claire Elizabeth!

Dear Claire Elizabeth,

I think back to life one year ago and remember how excited I was for Christmas 2008 to be here. How exciting it would be to see Christmas through the eyes of a child, my child. And to think that I have an 8 month old to share it with this year is amazing. You have made me enjoy this holiday season more than I ever have. You are amazed at the lights of Christmas. You love the decorations and twinkling lights at Macy’s; and I love looking at your big beautiful eyes—so alive and sparkling—watching and taking everything in as we pass by. You love our Christmas tree at home, especially the ornaments that are within your reach. You squeal in delight as you peer over the couch to catch a glimpse of Frosty that hangs by the front door. Everything is so new to you, so fresh, so fun. You have made us all believe in the magic of Christmas again.

I got my Christmas present 8 months early this year, there is nothing else I could have asked for. Nothing else that I even want. I only want to see your beautiful face light up on Christmas morning when we bring you in to see what Santa brought for you. You have been through so much this past 8 months and been such a good girl, that I'm sure Santa and Mrs. Claus have gone WAY overboard with gifts for you!

So tonight as I lean over your little body, sleeping peacefully all snuggled up in-between us, to kiss Daddy goodnight, I will thank God one extra time that he blessed us with you. I will give you one more kiss, smooth your hair one more time, and tuck your legs up a little closer to mine. You have made me so happy, so grateful, so honored to be your Mommy.

I love you forever and always my little Angel.

Love,

Mommy

Christmas through the eyes of a child...

Candy Cane Christmas

I breastfeed, buy organic, make her baby food, then give her this...




It was worth it...blue stained mouth and all!

My little fighter

So, RSV is a nasty, nasty little bug. It swooped in out of nowhere and took over my little girl’s body. It’s also wrecked havoc on me as well. Sunday I had a major melt down and my mom had to come over and take care of Claire while I slept for a few hours. I haven’t slept for more than 3 hours at a time since Wednesday and am completely exhausted. I have been worried sick about Claire and it killed me to see her struggle to breathe. (On a side note my heart goes out to Amanda--Brooklyn's Mom and Hope--Ava's Mom who’s little Angels have chronic breathing problems. You ladies have amazing strength and patience to deal with this day in and day out. I admire you both.) I have never been as scared as I was this past week. It hurt me so bad to see her chest cave in and hear her wheezing with each breath. Coughing so hard that she shook and threw up, tears streaming down her face as she reached out to me and buried her face in my shoulder. She cried. I cried. Because there was absolutely nothing I could do to take that pain away. I hurt so badly because I couldn’t make her better. This was the first time that I wasn’t able to stop the hurt, ease her pain and quiet her cries. And I felt like a failure. This has been one of the toughest weeks of my life.

On to a brighter note, today Claire is showing some major improvement. She is eating a little better and having some better wet diapers. She has only had one nebulizer treatment today and her coughs are few and far between. She is actually playing and laughing and smiling. She is at home with Daddy again today, and will be again tomorrow, but hopefully back to Gram’s house on Thursday.

Ryan asked me last night, “Sarah, do you think she will EVER sleep in her own bed again after this?” And he was so serious. We haven’t even attempted to put her in her own bed to sleep. I need her right next to me so I can half-sleep, half-monitor her breathing all night long. And what is Ryan doing next to me? Snoring away, like any other man!

I pray that all of your little ones stay safe from the bad RSV bug this season!

R.S.V.

We've got it. We go to so many doctor appointments I'm sure that is where she picked it up. Here's the rundown:

Last Friday: started with a stuffy/runny nose
Saturday: nose cleared up, was acting fine
Sunday: cough started, nothing major, acting fine
Monday: cough was there
Tuesday: got a call from my mom that she was wheezing a little bit. Ryan took her to the doctor and Dr.Q said it was a virus and has to run it's course.
Wednesday: stayed home with her, running low grade temp, lethargic, cough and wheezing worsening



Her first Popsicle to bring her fever down




Thursday: went back to work, got a call from my mom that cough was horrible, coughing so bad she was throwing up. Doctor's office was already closed.
Today: called and got 9:45 appointment. Claire coughed so hard in the waiting room that she threw up all over me & the chair. Other mothers in waiting room move their children far away from us (I don't blame them). The swab Claire's nose-- positive for RSV. Give her a breathing treatment and she is much improved. Oxygen levels were back up and the wheezing was much better. We left with a shiny new nebulizer and an antibiotic for a double ear infection. We go back in the morning for a re-check.
She fought me so hard, she finally gave in and went to sleep...breaks my heart




Not a bad post for one-handed typing while holding a sleeping baby, huh?

Before I was a Mommy...

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body...
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom.

I received this in an e-mail yesterday and wanted to share...I can relate to every single line of this.

Dear Santa,

I've been a very good girl this year.






Love, Claire

I'm leaving on a jet plane...don't know when I'll be back again...

Sometimes I want to do just that. Just leave. Just close my eyes and walk out the door. I am a walking ball of nerves. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I'm always on edge. I am sleep deprived. I am anxious. I am sad. Sad that life is so hard with Claire. Sad that we just can't get her to eat. Sad that we have tried just about everything to get her to eat and nothing works. I worry constantly about her health. My life is about numbers...how many ounces she's had, how many wet diapers, how much weight she's gaining. I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, exhausted. I love this baby so GOD DAMN much that as I write this, I think what kind of mother even THINKS these things????? What kind of mother actually thinks about leaving? Please know that I never would leave my baby (or DH for that matter), but when we've had a REALLY bad day, like today, the thought is oh so tempting.

I pray and pray and pray that the feeding study goes well tomorrow and we can get some help with this situation. Please, all of you, pray for me tomorrow at 2pm. Pray that we get some answers.

For me.

For Ryan.

For Claire.

Happy Friday!

I could stare at this picture forever...



Please note that no leaves were actually ingested, therefore no children were harmed during this darling photo shoot!

NICU Follow up appointment #1

Yesterday we had Claire’s first NICU follow-up visit. We opted to participate in a follow-up program through St. John’s where they follow premature babies from 6 months out of the NICU until age 5 (I think). When we first got there we saw an RN who was a NICU nurse for many years before becoming the follow-up nurse. She checked her height, 25 inches, and weight, 16 lbs (I know their scale is a little high from her weight check last time there), and her head measured 44cm. She asked about her overall health and wellness and I was happy to report not one illness/sickness in her short 7 months, except for a little cough and stuffy nose that lasted a few days. I explained her reflux and bottle fighting to her in detail and gave the list of medications she was on for the reflux.

Next, we were moved into a room where Claire was put on the floor to play. They had tons of fun, stimulating toys (that were all freshly sanitized…YEAH!) and she had so much fun!!! There was a physical therapist in the room as well as a cognitive therapist that sat on the floor with us and observed her play. They were very impressed that she was able to sit on her own for so long and also very impressed that she could fall over and rotate to her side and get onto her knees. She continued to amaze them with her backwards scooting/creeping across the room, picking her one hand up off the floor while on all fours, and even MORE amazed that she was up on all fours rocking. They watched her roll, grab her feet, and stand on my lap and bounce while holding my hands. (Can you tell I’m a proud mom, or what!?!?!?) I sat back and smiled, so proud of my little Angel. The cognitive therapist then put a little table in front of her and had her grab and transfer a block, hold a toy in both hands at the same time, pick up a raisin, play, smile and talk with herself in a mirror, and pick up a plastic tea cup with both hands—all of which she was completely able to do. The two things that she wasn’t able to do were look for an object when it dropped to the floor and shake a rattle to hear the sound after we shook it. No big deal they assured me.

Lastly, we went into the doctor’s office—who happened to be the doctor who discharged Claire from the hospital 6 months ago. He went over the therapists’ and nurse’s notes with me and explained different things about premature development. She is developed mentally to the age of a 5 month old and physically to the age of a 6 month old. She is right on track for the cognitive development since her adjusted age is only 5 months 21 days and her actual age is 7 months 10 days. She is ahead of herself physically. Overall, Dr. M was very pleased with her mental and physical development. Their only suggestion was that we see an occupational therapist about her feeding issues. They are fairly confident that we will get her off of the bottle and onto a sippy cup and that it should resolve the problem completely. We have an appointment scheduled for Monday for a feeding study with the OT.

Before we left we met with all 4 of them and they told me what an amazing job I was doing with her. They told me that they see children all the time that come in that haven’t been worked with and aren’t half as developed and advanced as Claire is. I was tearing up about the whole feeding issue and they assured me that I wasn’t alone—they see it ALL THE TIME with premature babies. That there is hope and they will do everything they can to fix it. And that we must be doing something right if she left the NICU at 4 lbs 12 ounces and is now 16 pounds. It was so nice to hear some positive feedback in a world where it seems like my daughter is picked apart and charted and numbered on a weekly basis.

I am so proud of the obstacles that she’s overcome and is developing into a happy, healthy little girl. I couldn’t ask for more…except maybe that she sleeps in her own bed, and stops pulling my hair, but if those are my only complaints I think I’m pretty darn lucky.

Good Friends, Good Times

Happy Belated Birthday Carrie!!!

We went to a surprise 30th birthday party for my good, good, friend, Carrie this weekend. It is so nice to go out and hang with friends every once in a while.



My favorite girls


My love


Thanks for the group shot, Bartender Jimmy!






It is so refreshing to step out of the mom role for an evening...partying with old friends, enjoying cold Miller Lite's and laughing until our cheeks hurt.

What's even BETTER though is hanging out with my very best friends the next morning...







Life is good...

December 1--Claire's first snow!

We woke up to a surprise this morning!!



Not a big snow, but enough to cover the grass and trees and put me in the holiday spirit...only 24 days until Christmas!