And Baby Makes Three

Happy 5 Month Birthday Connor Joseph

2012-01-13T10:23:00.000-06:00

My sweet Connor Joseph,

Happy five month birthday!

When I sit down to write you these birthday letters, these love letters, I can’t even concentrate to get my thoughts on paper. My mind is racing with all of my favorite things about this month. All of your firsts, like rolling over and trying cereal and green beans and sleeping through the night – most nights. All of the things that make me love you even more than I did last month. I fall in love with you all over again each morning when those big eyes are searching for me through the crack of your door. Your huge, open smile that begs for kisses. Your arms that now stretch to reach for me [my favorite thing this month – you reach for me!!!] to scoop you up. That wet mouth pressed against mine as you grab my hair to pull your face close. Ahhh, my sweet angel boy.

Your personality is shining and coming out more and more every day. Your squeals and screams to get my attention make me laugh. Your legs that kick faster than I’ve ever seen when I’m coming to get you from your swing make me walk a little faster to get to you. You love me and want me and track me around the room. And I love that. I love that you love me as much as I love you.

Happy 5 Month Birthday Brother!

Love forever and always,

Your Mommy

Happy 4 Months Connor Joseph

2011-12-13T06:38:00.000-06:00

Dear Connor Joseph,

Happy 4 month birthday my sweet baby. I can’t believe that you’re a quarter of a year today. That seems so old, yet so young. These past four months have breezed by. I am trying to soak everything in, every little bitty thing you do I am filing it away. I don’t want to forget a thing. I don’t want to forget the way you stretch when I wake you up on the morning. Your arms above your head, shaking as you stretch from the night. I don’t want to forget your singing in the car – Oh, how I love that voice. I don’t want to forget your crazy, stiff “gorilla arm” going up and down when you get excited. Or your open, wet mouth that loves to be kissed. Oh how you love to be kissed. And I think that I probably kiss you 5 thousand times a day. Sometimes, even more. And I never want to forget that at 4 monhs to the day, your feet found their way to your mouth!

You are getting so big, so long, I think and hope that you will be tall like your daddy. Your eyes are just like your sister’s. Big and dark. And looking into them is like looking into your soul. It’s beautiful and pure. And those lashes, they are long and full and frame them so perfectly. Brother bear, I could just go on and on. You are beautiful. And sweet. And innocent. And loving. And you’re mine.

We had a picture taken at a Christmas party of our family. Our Family. You have completed us and made us whole. I can’t imagine what this upcoming Christmas would be like without you. Last year you we just found out that you were coming. You were many, many months away. And I had no idea how in love I would be with you just a short year later.

Happy Birthday my Baby Bugs.

I love you more today than I did yesterday but not more than I will love you tomorrow.

Love,

Your Mommy

Happy 3 Month Birthday Connor Joseph

2011-11-21T16:44:00.000-06:00

Connor Joseph,

I blinked my eyes and you’re 3 months old. 12 weeks already. I am so in love with you, it’s not even funny. I can’t get enough of your gummy smiles and squeals of delight when we make eye contact. I love that you track me when you’re in your swing and give me the biggest smile when I call “I love you Connor Joe Joe” across the room. You go to bed with a smile and wake up with a smile. You are the happiest baby in the world.

I have a special bond with you that is different than the bond that I have with your sister. I love you in a special momma’s boy way. And it’s not the same as with Claire, it’s different. But it’s equal and special in its own way.

I love the hours I sit on the couch nursing and staring down at you. Stroking that beautiful, perfect round head of yours. Listening to the steady suck, suck, swallow that is usually accompanied by the ‘this-is-so-delicious-I’m-in-Heaven’ eye roll into the back of your head. I love your tiny fingers that scratch and search until they find just the right spot on my shirt to hold onto. [Probably my favorite thing EVER.] I even love the 4:30am feeding, just me and you alone in the cool, dark house. I love bath time and getting peed on every single time. I love it all. And I love this little boy more than I ever knew I could.

I love the coos and ahhs. I love the spastic kicking and arm flailing when you’re excited. And the way your little mouth makes that perfect “o” when you’re about to tell us a really good story.

Connor Joseph – I just love you.

Happy 3 Month Birthday Baby Boy.

Love always and forever,

Mommy

My Boy

2011-11-01T11:13:00.002-05:00

My boy

When I was pregnant with Claire I remember wishing and praying and hoping for a little girl. And when the tech slid that warm jelly over my swollen belly at my 20 week appointment and told us within 2 minutes that we were having a girl, the tears of joy that ran down my face.

When I got pregnant the second time I didn’t care what we were having as long as he or she was healthy, full term, and we got to bring the baby home from the hospital with us.

I remember going to a growth ultrasound appointment for Connor at around 15 weeks and hoping and praying that the tech would be able to tell me the sex of our baby. I remember asking if it was too early and crossing my fingers for her answer to be “No way!” She told us at the end that if she had to make a guess she would say boy. And when the Dr. came in she told me that it was 95% a boy. I smiled and tears of joy ran down my face again. I could call my baby a “he” and start to bond in that special way with my son.

But I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t just a little bit disappointed. I wanted another girl. I wanted Claire to have a sister. I am a “girl” mom. I love bows and dresses and lipstick and shopping and dance class and all things pink. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to love my boy like I loved my Claire.

I. WAS. SO. WRONG.

I love this little boy more than I ever knew I could.

I fell in love with him the moment I heard his first little gurgly cries. And the first time I was able to nurse him, was…it was like heaven. I have a special bond with my little man that is different than the bond that I have with my little girl. I love him in a special momma’s boy way. I feel guilty that I ever questioned my ability to love him the same. And it’s not the same, it’s different. But it’s equal and special in its own way.

I love the hours I sit on the couch nursing and staring down at him. Stroking that beautiful, perfect round head of his. Listening to the steady suck, suck, swallow that is usually accompanied by the ‘this-is-so-delicious-I’m-in-Heaven’ eye roll into the back of his head. I love the tiny fingers that scratch and search until they find just the right spot on my shirt to hold onto. [Probably my favorite thing EVER.] I even love the 4:30am feeding, just me and him alone in the cool, dark house. I love bath time and getting peed on every single time. I love it all. And I love this little boy more than I ever knew I could.

I love the coos and ahhs. I love the spastic kicking and arm flailing when he’s excited. And the way his little mouth makes that perfect “o” when he’s about to tell us a really good story.

Connor Joseph – I just love you.

And to keep things even, here's the big sister too ( : My life started the day you were born.

Happy 2 Month Birthday Connor Joseph

2011-10-15T15:34:00.000-05:00

Connor Joseph,

I feel like I have blinked my eyes and you are already two months old. I have no idea where the time has gone. I can close my eyes and still feel you inside of my belly and part of me misses that. Part of me misses that beautiful swollen belly that you called home for so many months. But as I sit here and write this letter to you, I look down at you sleeping in my arms and can't imagine it an other way. Your beautiful, long, dark lashes flutter as you take a deep breath and stretch to find my shirt to hold. The steady suck, suck, swallow of you nursing calms me in a way that I forgot how much I missed that. Your cheeks are filled out and plump and I can't imagine not kissing them every second of every day.

Your eyes are dark and there is a connection when we lock eyes that only a Mama has with their baby. You know me in a way that only a baby can. And I know you in a way that only a mama can. I can comfort you when no one else can and I love that. You want me over anyone else, and I know that that won't last forever, so I am soaking up the small slot of time that I have.

Your smile is contagious. Your coos and ooh's are some of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard. I thank God that he gave us you, healthy and perfect, to call our son and lead through life as your guides.

My sweet baby boy, please know that we prayed for you and wanted you so badly. You will never understand how much I am in love with you, so please let me tell you over and over a thousand times a day. And let me shower you with kisses and snuggles and hugs and butterfly kisses. Because I want you know how much you mean to me.

Connor, you have completed me in a way that feels so...right. I feel like our family is just the way God planned it to be.

I love you forever and always,

Mommy

God Danced The Day You Were Born

2011-09-03T00:34:00.000-05:00

My sweet Connor Joseph,

Welcome to the world my sweet baby boy!
Thursday, August 11, 2011.

Daddy and I took Sissy to eat dinner at McDonalds, her pick. We went home and packed her bag for "5 sleeps" and went to Ci Ci and Pa Pa's house to drop her off. I held back tears and I watched my first baby, my daughter, play as as only child for the last time. We hugged and kissed and cuddled her a little more that night.

We got home and I showered and paced the house. Checked my hospital bag over and over. Rubbed my belly and gazed at myself in the mirror. Bittersweet thoughts racing through my mind. The excitement of meeting you in the morning, and the last night that I would go to bed with a beautiful swollen belly. I slept maybe 2 hours that night.

Friday, August 12, 2011.
4:30 a.m. Alarm went off. I was already awake. So was Daddy.
5:30 a.m. Arrived at St. John's. It was cool out, I remember saying that I should have worn a sweater. I held Daddy's hand tight as we made our way down the quiet hallway to the green elevators. 2nd Floor. Labor and Delivery. They were waiting for us. We took my last belly picture. 38 weeks 5 days.

Bracelets were put on my wrist and an IV was started. They put the monitors on my belly to monitor your heart. It was strong and perfect. I closed my eyes and listened to the steady rhythm of the beats. I was having contractions. Daddy could see them on the paper and I could feel them. I was nervous. My blood pressure was high.

6:00-7:00 a.m. We waited. And listened. And prayed.

7:00 a.m. Ci Ci and Pa Pa brought Sis up to see me. My blood pressure dropped. I smiled through tears - tears I didn't want her to see. She was shy and wanted me to hold her. She clutched "Butterfly" her baby. I took her and buried my head in her soft blonde locks. She was wearing her Big Sister shirt. I am tearing up writing this. I was so proud of her. And so scared of all the "what if's" that could happen during surgery. I was terrified. So scared of leaving her without me. We took a picture as our family of three.

Anesthesia came in. Doctors came in. Nurses. The room was chaotic. They were taking me down to the OR. I got one last hug and kiss and a million "I LOVE YOU's" until I knew for sure she couldn't hear me anymore. Daddy put on scrubs. It was time.

7:25 a.m. They wheeled me down to the OR. It was bright and cold. I was shaking.

Daddy was in the hallway and I was so scared. They started my spinal. Then the epidural. They laid me down and put the screen up. Where is Ryan?? I need him here. I am so scared. What if it's a repeat of last time? He's here. Holding my hand tight. All I can see is his eyes behind his glasses and they look scared. I stare up at the round, bright light above me. It's less than 5 minutes and they tell Daddy to get the camera ready? WHAT? I'm about to meet my baby boy - hear that cry i've been waiting years to hear.

7:52 a.m Connor Joseph is sent from Heaven

Your cry is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.

Hot tears stream down my cheeks. I send Daddy over to take hundreds of pictures. We missed out on so much last time. I could watch everything from the table. I couldn't stop the tears. You screamed the entire time they finished my surgery - and it was pure joy to my ears.

Healthy.

Beautiful.

Perfect.

Mine.

Daddy cut your cord. They wrapped you up and brought you to meet me, face to face, for the first time.

My eyes were frantically taking your angelic face in. Your eyes, nose, cheeks, lips, chin, and that hair!! You were perfect.

Recovery room. I was able to hold and kiss and love on your for an hour.

I wanted to nurse you immediatley. The Nurses told me to wait a little bit - your heartrate was a little high. You were making noises. A phone call was made and within 2 minutes NICU was at my bedside. They took you from me. I choked back tears. NO - this could NOT happen again. They listened to your heart for a long time...terror running through my veins. The Dr. smiled and handed you back to me. You were fine. Perfect. Healthy. Just recovering from birth as well. Prayers were answered.

The best time came a few hours later when I was able to enjoy this

Nothing could beat this. This is the feeling of overflowing love.

Complete.

Happy Three Week Birthday Little Brother!

9 Months!

2011-07-28T10:49:00.000-05:00

My sweet baby boy,

We’ve made it! 36 weeks and FULL TERM!! I am just beside myself excited and proud and happy and relieved that we are here. And you are healthy. And big. And still growing inside of me, like you should be. I am so excited that the end is near – just two more weeks and you will be in my arms. I am so anxious to hear your first cry – something I have waited my whole life for. I cannot wait to see you for the first time after the doctor delivers you – all pink and wrinkly and absolutely perfect. I cannot wait to bury my face in your neck and inhale your wonderful baby smell. I cannot wait to feel those chubby cheeks on my own cheeks. I cannot wait to feel the warmth of your skin against my own. I missed out on so much with your sister, I am going to relish in every single little moment with you.

We had my last ultrasound appointment yesterday. Auntie and Ci Ci and Sissy came with me this time. The ultrasound tech was amazing and we got to see your face for at least 10 minutes. Tears just rolled down my cheeks as I lay there and fell in love for the million-th time with your face. Your lips are just like your sisters.

Your cheeks are full and plump. You have a head full of hair.

And Sissy stood next to me and rubbed my arm and cheek over and over. How BLESSED I am to have the both of you. I will never take for granted how lucky I am – EVER. Oh sweet boy, this whole pregnancy has just been amazing. And healing. And if I could have a million more like this, I would.

I am so sad that I only have two more weeks with you inside of me. Safe and warm and quiet and cozy. I am sad that I will soon have to share you with the world. I am sad that I will never feel your kicks and rolls and stretches again. I am sad that I will never be pregnant again. But all of that sadness will be replaced with joy and the miracle of new life that will begin. And I can’t wait to meet you – face to face – and start our life together. You will complete our family and we cannot wait to share our love with you.

So, until we meet you little brother, know that you are loved by SO MANY and being prayed for by so many.

I love you with my everything before I’ve ever even met you.

Love always and forever,

Mommy

This time it will be different

2011-07-14T11:29:00.001-05:00

I had my weekly monitoring done today – I climbed into the recliner, got hooked up to baby’s heart rate monitor and a contraction monitor and clicked through the channels on the TV. As I lay there listening to his heart thump away on the monitor and listened for ups and downs and heard the swishing of his movements I thought to myself how lucky I am. How blessed I am to hear that reassuring sound of his heart beat and have the close watch of so many doctors this time around. My nurse walked in and brought me a glass of water and we chatted about my pregnancy, complications and delivery with Claire. She had a 30 week baby. She understood. We talked about the hardships of an emergency C-section, our babies being taken away from us immediately after birth, and the heartache of leaving them in the hospital the day we had to leave. We talked about how you’ll never truly understand until you’ve been there – lived it. And we wouldn’t wish it on anyone – but when you find someone that understands, who’s been there, it’s so nice because they “get it”.

We touched on a topic that is not an easy one to talk about. And I’ve only shared with a few. The lack of bonding that you have with your child when they are sick or premature and you’re not able to hold and nurse and be with them following birth. When you don’t take them home to parent them, and instead feel like a visitor, an outsider when you’re in the NICU. The nurses are the ones that pick them up on the middle of the night when they cry, the nurses are the ones that feed them when you can’t be there. The nurses are the ones to change them and bathe them and dress them. (Not that we aren’t SO VERY THANKFUL for the wonderful, caring, loving NICU nurses) They’re hooked up to monitors and tubes and wires and you have to be so careful. And they’re so small and fragile. And to be brutally honest, I was a little afraid of handling Claire when she was born. She was just so tiny and had so much going on. It was months before I had a true, mother-daughter bond with Claire. Not that I didn’t love her, because I had SO much love for her and I was in love with her the second I laid eyes on her. I just didn’t FEEL what I feel for her now. I felt guilty for not feeling that strong bond that everyone talks about and you read about. I thought that I wasn’t normal. I cried myself to sleep many nights and prayed to God to help me feel what I was supposed to feel. And slowly it came to me. After we brought her home and I was taking care of her and nursing her FEELING her on me – holding her close to me for hours. Breathing in her sweet smells and staring at her beautiful face for hours.

I can’t wait to have it again this time, but with my Baby Boy.

But this time, it will be different.

My Littlest Love

2011-07-11T11:33:00.000-05:00

I always thought that the day I was married to my biggest love was the truest meaning of love. And it was, and still is. In that life partner soul mate sort of way. The day I gave birth to my sweet Claire Elizabeth I felt that other kind of love.

That part-of-you-rip-your-heart-out-and-hand-it-to-your-child kind of love. And I never thought that anything else could even come close. But throw a now three year old who is so much like you in so many ways into the mix and let me tell you, there is nothing better.

It’s a make-your-heart hurt kind of love. The kind where you can sit for hours and just watch her play, listen to her hum, and soak up that little voice. Because “this is my favorite age” will be replaced with new favorite ages. And I just want to soak her up right now.

A lot of this is due to the quickly and slowly approaching day that our second little miracle will arrive. And I am sickly, scared to death about a lot of things. One being how the hell is she going to feel when we bring a tiny, needy, new baby into our home and I can’t give her 100% like I have. I am stricken with guilt over the changes that are going to happen in our little home. The 4 days in the hospital, the long, painful recovery of a C-section, the breastfeeding, the exhaustion. And to top it off, she starts pre-school 6 days after Baby Boy is born. And I’ve NEVER left her before. And I am so worried that it’s all going to be too much for her. She’s a delicate little flower. With soft feelings and insecurities and shyness. And I just…am worried.

I just can’t help but go into her room 3+ times a night and kiss her sweet face while she sleeps and know that these times of just one on one are slowly coming to an end. I can’t help but plan special dates for just “the girls” for lunching and shopping. And pedicures just me and my girl – even though my swollen belly is making it harder and harder for her to enjoy them on my lap. But there is something so comforting about my little big girl, sitting in-between my legs in that chair, resting against my belly, and seeing her little toes dangling in the water that makes me warm and fuzzy inside. Shy-smiling and so proud of the color polish that she chose. Sigh.

I just needed to get some of this out. Just needed to get my all-over-the-place ramblings on paper. Because everyone always says that “they adjust” and I know that she will. But she is still my first born, my little miracle that made me a mommy, and just holds a special little place in my heart.

31 days and counting…

Eight Months!

2011-06-27T13:20:00.000-05:00

My sweet Baby Boy,

I cannot believe that it’s been 32 weeks already. I cannot believe that for eight months we’ve been loving you and praying for you and counting the days down until we meet.

I am so excited that we’ve made it all 32 weeks. This is an important number my sweet boy. You see I was already in the hospital with your big sister at this point. I was already very sick and scared and full of worry. So to make it to 32 weeks and be healthy, more importantly YOU being healthy, is a big accomplishment. A big sigh of relief. A big WOO-HOO we’ve done it!!! And I am especially thankful to have felt your BIG kicks and rolls in the wee hours of the morning this morning. Such a blessing to know that you’re still growing and getting stronger and bigger and fatter every single day you’re still inside of me.

I had an appointment last week and my blood pressure was a little on the high side. Dr. Chris wasn’t alarmed, but I was. I think I checked it 20 times that evening!! It went down once I left the doctor’s office, but still a big scare. We also chose your birthdate. Such an odd, but exciting thing to do. I can officially count down the days to your arrival little one – and I cannot wait!!

Keep growing and getting bigger and stronger in there baby. Mommy can’t wait to meet you, but I can wait the 6.5 weeks until you’re here!!

Love and kisses from the outside,

Mommy

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-15T15:49:00.000-05:00

My World, My Love, My Reason for Being, My Heart

Seven Months

2011-06-07T15:48:00.000-05:00

My Sweet Baby Boy,

Another month is under our belt. Another four weeks that have flown by faster than I ever imagined that they would. I am so excited to meet you, but am sad that our time together, just you and me, is 2/3 of the way over. Daddy and I saw you on the ultrasound screen last week. The minute that magic wand glides the warm gel over my belly I instantly tune the rest of the world out. For just a few minutes it’s like the world stands still. We are able to see your long, lean legs kick and move around. Your tiny hands grabbing and holding onto your pee pee. And your beautiful face that makes my heart skip a beat. We are so lucky that we get to peek into your world every four weeks and see how big and strong and beautiful you are becoming.

You weighed 2.14 pounds. Tears streamed down my face when the tech told us that. Hot, warm, happy tears. Tears because you are two ounces bigger – at 28 weeks – than your sister was when she was born. That was a HUGE accomplishment for me. To grow a healthy, strong baby. And I’m doing it. Baby, Mommy is doing everything that I can to make sure that you are growing and thriving and getting stronger every single day. I just want to hold you inside of me for just 10 more weeks and we’ve done it!

My belly is swelling bigger than it’s ever been before. Your kicks and jabs are constant reminders that you’re there. And that you’re big and healthy and have lots of fluid in there to move around in. Your sister loves to put her face close to you and talk – and you usually kick or roll back at her. I can’t wait to see the relationship that you two have. It already makes me tear up when I see her talk to you. Or bring me toys for you. Or remind me that we need to get you a blue lovey. We are so excited to bring you into our family and be fully complete.

Keep growing baby. Keep growing and growing and growing. We will meet you soon enough, but for now, let’s just keep you right where you are.

I love you with all my heart.

Love,

Mommy

My Little Big Girl

2011-05-24T12:44:00.000-05:00

This weekend my little girl took another step in that big girl direction.

My little shy girl, the little girl who hides her face and holds my hand with a tight grip when we’re in social settings. My shy girl who teared up and wanted me to hold her at her own birthday party when the cake came out and “Happy Birthday” was sung. My shy girl who always WANTS to join in and participate in the playing and fun, but instead sits on my lap and watches and then plays with the toys after the kids have moved on to another activity.

The same shy girl that just last fall insisted on riding the airplane ride at the Apple Festival and with my hesitation, I let her. And then attempted to climb out, mid-ride, screaming for her mama. I think I hurdle jumped that fence to get to her.

This spring – she rode that ride!!!!

The same shy girl that just last fall screamed and cried in fear after a half a lap around on the pony ride and I had to jump in to rescue her.

This spring – she rocked that pony.

My girl R.O.C.K.E.D that pony.

I am so proud of the little big girl that she is becoming. She still holds my hand tight and asks me to hold her and is super shy and insecure sometimes. But that’s just who she is. She’s so smart and beautiful and caring and sweet and a little shyness is ok. It’s who makes her, HER.

But let me tell you I was one proud mama – who beamed with pride and had tears in my eyes as she climbed onto that Ferris wheel and waved at me every single time it came around, screaming “Hi Mooooooommmmmm” from so high in the sky. Tears that were hidden behind my big sunglasses but were there, nonetheless. (I was unable to ride because of my “condition”. Being pregnant is apparently a “condition” now!)

My Big Little Girl.

I just hope that my heart is able to double in size when her ‘brudder’ comes along…

Siblings

2011-05-19T09:42:00.000-05:00

Slight Resemblance Here

Six Months Baby

2011-05-02T12:08:00.000-05:00

Oh my sweet baby boy -

Happy six months!! We're six months into this and I'm loving it. We had an ultrasound done last week and were able to catch a 3D of your face, and tears streamed down mine. It's amazing to see you each and every time on the screen, but something about a 3D image of your prefect, angelic face did it to me. Maybe it was the fact that I could put a face to your name now, or a face to the wiggles, rolls and kicks that are constant reminders that you're there. Growing stronger and stronger and bigger every single day. And maybe it was the fact that you look so much like your big sister that it makes me relate to you even more. Either way, I fell in love with you hard. Hard. And I cannot wait to meet you.

I am so happy that you are big and stong. Half as big as your sister was when she was born, which makes the doctors know that things are different this time. You have the prime environment to grow properly. And for that I want you to stay inside of me forever. Knowing that I am giving you everything that you need. Another part of my wants to have you early because I am scared. But for now, I am just enjoying having you with me. All to myself. I still smile and love when you move and I'm around people, but no one else knows but me. It's something special that we have between the two of us, and I cherish so very much.

Your room is being transformed into shades of blues and greens and yellows - and I smile looking at the two bedrooms that sit side by side in our hallway; one pink, one blue. God had truly blessed me and I don't think that I thank him enough for the privilege of being a mommy - your mommy.

Keep growing and growing my sweet baby.

I love you more than you will ever know!

Love,

Your Mommy

Love

2011-04-28T09:27:00.000-05:00

As much as I loved you before...

I am completely in love with you now.

Happy THIRD Birthday Claire Elizabeth!

2011-04-22T11:50:00.000-05:00

Three Years ago today I became a mommy for the first time. Three years ago today I forever chose to wear my heart on my sleeve for you. I chose to put you first before anything. I chose to love you with every single fiber of my being. I cried when I saw your beautiful, tiny face and knew that life would never be the same. I cried when I asked daddy if you cried when you were born and he told me that you “screamed”. Because I knew that everything was going to be fine. I knew that you were going to fight and pull through and become the strong, independent little girl that you are today. And little did I know that the love that I had three years ago would only increase times three.

Claire Lizzy, I can’t put into words the way you make me feel. The words that are flying across this page don’t do justice to the sometimes painfully intense love that I have for you. The love, the pride, the joy, the happiness – I could just go on and on. Your hugs and “I love you, mom” make even the tough days better.

You are growing up right before my eyes. Some days I can hardly believe that the little girl that carries her step stool around the house to reach light switches and stretches to reach things that are halfway back on the counter is mine. The little girl that flies down the street on her tricycle pedaling as fast as her little legs will carry her is mine. The little girl that asks for “privacy” when using the potty is my almost three year old. The little girl who shyly orders her own drink at restaurants and then smiles that beautiful tongue-in-your-cheek shy smile and beams with pride when the waiter walks away. The little girl who is becoming more of a big girl every day.

Your imagination is beautiful. If I could bottle up your imagination and innocence right now I would make millions, no billions. It amazes me that we can play doctor, carousel, park, store, restaurant, and dance with only our own songs and a blanket. Your mind is growing and expanding and I wish I could have that part of my childhood back. But I love living it through you. You sing constantly and your voice is like an angel. The made up and mixed up songs are my favorites. Please never stop singing.

My little Bug, thank you for the past year. Thank you for reminding me to slow down and enjoy the little things. Thank you for being the most beautiful, smart, strong willed little girl that you are.

I love you more than you will ever know.

Love,

Mommy

Me and My Girl

2011-04-12T14:28:00.000-05:00

5 Months

2011-04-04T12:00:00.000-05:00

My beautiful, healthy, Baby Boy,

Happy 5 months of growing strong! I am halfway through this pregnancy, and it seems like it has just begun. As much as I want to rush through the second half to meet your beautiful little being, I want to enjoy these last few months with you inside of me. Your kicks and wiggles are much welcomed feelings and constant, and I mean constant, reminders that you are there and growing and getting stronger every single day.

We had our big anatomy ultrasound on 3/28/11, and everything was perfect. Daddy and Claire and I all went to get a good 30 minutes of baby time on the big TV. You are 100% positively a boy too. I am amazed that my body is able to make and grow such a precious little person. It still amazes me that Daddy and I are responsible for creating your life – with the big help of God. We are so unbelievably blessed to have you healthy and perfectly formed. I couldn’t have asked for more. And to have a little boy, was just the icing on the cake.

I cannot wait to meet you little one. I want to cherish these last few months when it’s just you and me. And I am sit and smile when I feel your kicks and I’m the only one that knows. It’s something that is just between you and me for now, and I like that. I want to enjoy the last time of all these “firsts” because little boy, you are the last one to call my belly your home.

Keep growing and growing and growing baby boy.

I love you with all I have.

Love,

Your Mommy

Vanilla Ice Cream

2011-03-30T15:12:00.000-05:00

I read a post on a blog the other day that made me insane. It was a woman talking about how when she meets new “mom friends” she acts like vanilla ice cream. Because you never know what those other moms are going to think of your craziness if you were vanilla ice cream with sprinkles, hot fudge and gasp, pineapple! And after a while you start adding things on to your vanilla ice cream, like the sprinkles or the hot fudge and FINALLY the pineapple and see how they react. Why do women feel the need to conform when it comes to meeting new moms? I’ll admit I don’t meet a lot of new moms. I work. Full time. And when I’m not working, I’m with my family or my friends. My friends whom I’ve known for years. Not that I’m opposed to going out and making new friends. But when I go to the park with Claire, I’m there to spend time with Claire. Not to sit on a bench and WATCH her play with other kids while I try and slither my way into some poor, unsuspecting mom’s circle of friends. When I take her to story time or the zoo, I take her to be with her. And I’ll be dammed if I act “vanilla” in front of other moms because I don’t want them to know the true Sarah.

The Sarah that has mail piled up on the counters for weeks. The Sarah that yells at her kid – not that I’m proud of it, but it happens. The Sarah that believes in exclusively breastfeeding for as long as possible. The Sarah that believes that McDonalds is a perfectly good dinner option at LEAST one night a week. The Sarah that makes her daughter finish her fruits and vegetables on her plate – even if her “tummy is full”. The Sarah that doesn’t believe in “crying it out”. The Sarah that believes in co-sleeping as long as the child needs to. The Sarah that sometimes can’t wait for work on Monday morning when it’s been a long, long weekend at home with the kiddo. The Sarah that believes in a spanking if the behavior warrants one. The Sarah that doesn’t have her kid in any activities because she will forever be involved in something, and right now, she just needs to be 2. The Sarah that needs date nights with her husband just because. The Sarah that hates to play dollhouse and make believe crap with her daughter because it’s really ISN’T fun. That Sarah.

And I’m not going to judge the other moms who believe in spotless homes and bottle feeding and cook every single night of the week, and loathe McD’s and love being SAHM’s, and would NEVER spank their child, and who love, love, love to play make believe with their kids.

Because in the end, we’re all moms. We all love our kids with all of our beings and would do anything to protect and nurture them. We all have the same goal – to raise happy, healthy, well-rounded kids. And we all never want our kids to conform to what they think that other people "like".

So, here it goes.

Hi, my name is Sarah. I’m mint chocolate chip ice cream, with Hershey’s syrup, semi-sweet chocolate chips, crushed oreos, and whip cream.

Nice to meet you. Oh, and see that beautiful little soul I'm holding. That's my life.

4 Months

2011-03-07T14:43:00.002-06:00

March 7, 2011

My Dear, Sweet Baby,

You are four whole months, 16 weeks growing. I find it hard to believe that you’ve been with me, a part of me for that long. I was thinking the other day what a miracle it really is to be pregnant. To create and grow a human being inside of you. Me giving you everything that you need to develop and grow. I feel honored to carry you around with me day in and day out.

I am anxiously awaiting those first movements, those first kicks that I have been ever so patiently waiting for. I lay in bed every night with my hands on my belly, still as can be, waiting to feel you. Waiting to make this seem all the more real. A daily reminder that “yeah, mom, I’m in here.” I just can’t wait.

My belly has definitely popped and I love having a round tummy to rub. Your big sister calls you “Baby Ducky” and everyone can’t wait to find out your name. Daddy and I are just waiting until the end of the month to make SURE that you’re the little boy that they told us you were 4 weeks ago. Then we will name you and start on your room – I’m so excited for both!!

My little babycakes – keep growing and getting strong in there. I will cherish these next few months like none other. You are the last baby to take up home in my belly and I have bittersweet emotions about that. I look forward to your kicks and rolls and flips that I will soon feel.

We love you more than you can imagine and cannot wait to hold you in our arms.

Love forever and always,

Your Mommy

Lately

2011-03-01T12:29:00.006-06:00

This little girl has quite the personality. I'm been slacking on picture taking - mainly because I fail to get my fat ass off the couch to pick up the camera and actually snap pictures of her. She's quite the diva.

Yesterday she walked into the kitchen and told me "mom, look, like you"...

So, here you go: Claire Elizabeth - 15 weeks ( : She officially has one more belly shot than I do. But, she is obviously noticing that MY belly is quite swollen and not so hideable anymore.

I think I could eat this face up!!

Even if it wasn't covered with chocolate ice cream, which we have about 4 different varieties in the house now - you know, for the BABY.

I love my little ladybug. I think some of my favorite pictures of her are from the bathtub. There's no bow or cute shirt or background to distract you from. Her. Her true beauty shines through.

Ok, this one is a LITTLE distracting, but DAMN she is cute!

We've been laughing and playing and loving like crazy. A lot of stuff we can do on the couch. And for the record, I don't remember this extreme tiredness from last time. Sometimes it's all I can do to even drag myself off the couch and read her a story for bed. Thank GOD I have this WONDERFUL, AWESOME, AMAZING husband to help out...

and he even plays 'haircut' with his little lady ( : Now, THAT'S love.

Three Months

2011-02-14T10:20:00.003-06:00

February 14, 2011

My Sweet Baby,

This is the three month mark. The mark of the exhale. The mark of end of the first trimester. Oh baby, how much we love you already. How much your big sister loves you already. How much she talks to you in her ‘baby talk’ and kisses my belly saying “hi baby, hiiii.” It makes me smile to hear her already in love with you. But never to underestimate how much I love you. It still amazes me the bond that a mother has with her unborn child. The bond that begins the day that those two pink lines appear on that stick. And how much that bond grows and thickens and stretches. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and breathe a sigh of relief that you are here and healthy and all mine!

Your heartbeat is strong – in the 160’s, and when we caught a peek of you on that magical screen last week, your little legs did not stop moving! It’s amazing to me that you are already perfectly formed and complete in there – and just have a lot of growing to do. Your arms and legs moved around and around. You flipped and turned and moved all over the place. Your face is perfect and beautiful – I already dream of kissing those cheeks and forehead and that perfect little spot at the top of your nose, right between your eyes. I just smile thinking about it…

Keep growing little baby, keep growing.

I love you!

Love,

Your Mommy

The Wonderful Sound of Horses

2011-02-08T15:01:00.001-06:00

That’s what I heard yesterday at my 12 week appointment. The sweet sound of galloping horses – to the tune of 167 beats per minute. It’s a sound that you never get used to. A sound that never gets old. A sound that is as amazing the second time around as it was the first time. A sound that makes you exhale completely and smile through tear brimmed eyes. A sound that makes you realize just what a miracle that tiny life is that’s growing inside of you.

This pregnancy is a whirlwind of emotions. It was planned and prayed for and dreamed of. It was wanted and wished for. And when it didn’t happen the first month or the second, I was getting a little…nervous. But then then those two pink lines popped onto that stick and I immediately fell in love. Fell in love with the dream of what it will be. But it also came with the realization that we had complications with my first pregnancy. Complications that could possibly reoccur with this pregnancy. And to say that we were scared would be an understatement.

I was terrified!

Terrified of a baby that was not growing in my belly. Terrified of crazy blood pressure that wasn’t able to be controlled. Terrified of low fluid around my precious little baby that would result in physical therapy for years to correct the problems that created (or worse). Terrified of my baby’s heart rate dropping so low that it would result in another early, emergency delivery when I wasn’t even numbed by the epidural. But most of all – terrified that something would happen to me and I would get taken away from my little girl. My little girl that relied on me and loved me and took my heart the day she was born almost 3 years ago. And terrified that I wouldn’t live to see my new baby’s sweet face. Or get to breastfeed like I so badly want to. Or get to snuggle late at night – just me and Baby #2.

There are still a ton of crazy emotions that run through my head every night when I fall into the cool sheets of my bed. Some that wake me in the middle of the night and have me drenched in sweat and force me to climb out of bed and check on the little angel that sleeps across the hall from me. And some that wake me in the middle of the night and have me smiling and wondering if these crazy dreams are true, and there really IS a little brother growing inside of me, and force me to rub the tiny bump until I drift back to sleep.

Happy today to know that little Baby #2 is growing and thriving and moving and beating away inside of me. And I’m doing everything I can to keep it that way.

And the beautiful big sister ( :

Happy 33 Month Birthday

2011-01-24T11:41:00.002-06:00

My Sweet Claire Elizabeth,

I am in awe that I am writing you a letter for the last time when you are two. I remember the letter I wrote to you when you were 11 months, the raw emotion of the past year running violently through my veins. My fingers flying across the keyboard – wanting you to know how madly, truly, deeply in love with you that I was. Then a year later I sat in front of the computer, a blank screen staring back at me, the cursor blinking in the dark room. How was it that I was really writing a letter to my 21 month old? Your last letter when you were one? It was almost impossible that I could love you any more than I did just a short year ago. But I did. My love for you poured out onto the screen and I knew that the love would just continue to grow. And baby, it has grown. Ten fold. Each year brings new experiences. New skills, new words, new accomplishments. New love. And I just can’t imagine how my heart can hold it all in, but somehow, when you become a mom you heart just magically has the ability to hold it all.

Claire, words can never truly describe the feelings that I have for you. The true, unconditional love that every day just makes a little bit stronger. Your voice makes me smile; your songs make me laugh. Your sense of humor reminds me so much of myself it’s unbelievable. You are strong willed and stubborn and I know that those are such great qualities to have. You will be such a strong leader one day. But for now, I am enjoying the time that I have with you as my little girl. My little girl that tests the limits daily and pushes buttons just because she can. And at the end of every single day melts my heart with “love you with all my heart, mom”. Because, I know that you do. And someday when you have your own little girl or little boy, you will truly understand how much I love YOU will all of my heart.

Happy 33 month birthday my little Bug. You completed our family in a way that we never knew you were missing until we had you. And soon we will become a family of four and I cannot wait to see you as a big sister.

I love you forever and always.

Hugs and kisses,

Mommy

My Snow Bunny

2011-01-18T15:24:00.004-06:00

God sure knew what he was doing when he made this little girl - and he made her ALL for me (:

Two Months

2011-01-12T09:10:00.000-06:00

January 12, 2011

TWO MONTHS

My Dear, Sweet Baby,

We dreamed of you and prayed for you and wished for you and now we have you. I have you. I have you all to myself for just this short time and I love it. I love knowing that everything you need you are getting from me. I am growing you and forming you into the little baby that I will cradle in my arms and smother in kisses in just 7 short months. It seems like such a long time away, but the past 2 months have already flown by. I am cherishing this time. Enjoying every second, because I know firsthand just how short this time can be cut. And you can never get it back.

Baby, I have seen you several times on the ultrasound screen and it amazes me how much you have changed week to week. Every time that magic wand glides over my swollen belly and I see the most beautiful flicker of life on that screen my heart literally skips a beat. And for that one second it’s just you and me in the room. And I silently thank God that he is allowing me a second chance to love unconditionally.

Keep growing little one -

Love,

Your Mommy

Santa listened!

2010-12-29T10:14:00.002-06:00

Shhhh, let's just keep this between you and me for now...

Today is National Prematurity Awareness Day

2010-11-17T10:21:00.003-06:00

I'm going to jump on my soapbox for a minute here.

No one thinks it can happen to them. No one worries about having a premature baby. But it happens. It happens in 1 out of 8 pregnancies. And it's scary.

But luckily there is tons and tons of research that is largely funded by the March of Dimes. Research that saved my baby's life. Research that helped to make sure that she was comfortable and growing while she was hooked up to tubes and IV's and monitors. Research and funding that I never knew about. That I never thought about. Because I never had to.

I never knew a brand new mom that had to leave the hospital without her baby. A brand new mom that was recovering from a painful c-section and combating dangerously high blood pressure and pumping and visiting the hospital 2 times a day to provide her baby with miracle milk to help her grow. Until I WAS that mom. And now I want to make everyone aware that it DOES happen. It can happen to the most cautious mom-to-be. I did everything right. I took my vitamins, and ate right and slept 8 hours a night and went to every single appointment. And I still gave birth to a premature baby.

So, this Holiday season if you have that little extra to spend, that little extra to donate, remember the March of Dimes. Or St. John's Mercy Medical Center in St. Louis.

Remember that not every child is blessed with 9 full months.

Thanking GOD for my miracle, Claire Elizabeth.

Two and A Half

2010-10-29T12:34:00.005-05:00

Two and a half.

Claire baby, you’re growing up way too fast on me. You’re not even a baby anymore. I look at you with your long legs, and tiny tushy in tiny panties, and pig tails, and sigh because you are just so grown up. You are potty trained and speak in sentences and prefer a cup with a straw over a sippy cup. You want to walk instead of being carried, and “I do it” is said over everyday tasks that I try to do for you, or try to help you with. You sleep in a big girl bed and come walking into our room when you wake up. It just blows me away that there is no “Mommy…I get up!” and me rushing in to lift you out of your crib in the mornings anymore. It broke my heart to take that baby crib down.

You are an absolute joy. You are smart and kind and beautiful and shy. You melt my heart asking for “kissies” and impromptu hugs on the leg make it all worth it. Your smile is contagious. Your laugh is infectious. I love having a shopping partner and a lunch buddy. You’re the little girl I always dreamed of – only better.

You are such a delight. A happy, healthy, loving little girl. You are so independent and stubborn, but that is a good quality to have. I have so many dreams and plans for you little one. You truly are such a blessing to us. I thank God every single day that he chose us to be your parents.

Happy 2.5 year birthday Claire Elizabeth – it just keeps getting better and better and better.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Love Always and Forever,

Mommy

My Little Pumpkin

2010-10-15T10:36:00.001-05:00

Kids say the darndest things...

2010-10-06T12:25:00.005-05:00

We were laying in bed last night all huddled close and snuggling.

Claire: "somefing stinks mom"
Me: "what is it?"
Claire: "your teef"

For the record, I had just brushed, flossed and Listerine-ed. Apparently the smell of Listerine stinks.

I love her.

Wednesday

2010-09-29T12:27:00.003-05:00

I fall in love every single morning...always with the same little girl.

I love this kid. (Scary Face)

From her beautiful head.

To her darling toes. (LOVE LOVE LOVE her new Chuck's)

And everything in between.

Happy Hump Day!

Scattered, Random Thoughts

2010-09-14T11:49:00.001-05:00

I have a bunch of half written, but never published posts. And I can’t seem to focus or write anything of real meaning. My mind wonders. This is the best I can do.

- Claire is completely potty trained and has been for about a month now. It was the easiest parenting thing we have ever done. I took off work Thurs and Friday and we stayed home. I put panties on her and she had one accident. And that was it. She went in her panties a tiny bit and stopped herself and went the rest on the potty. By Monday she had it down. Except poop. She asked for a diaper the first few days to poop in, and we gave it to her. After a few days of that, she pooped on the potty and we never looked back. She still wears a pull-up at nap and night and more times than not wakes up dry, but still wakes up wet plenty so we’re sticking with that for a while. I hate using public restrooms, but it seems that she has to go even more often when we’re out. That’s how it works, right? But I have taught her to flush the potty with her foot and she knows that everything in there is “nasty, right mom??”

- She still loves her binky. And so do I. It is the only part of my baby that I have left. I still let her pick out new ones at the store and she gets to open them up in the cart and suck away. I love that she takes it out to talk to us then puts it right back in. There are at least a dozen binkies in her bed and I am in no rush whatsoever to take them away. I guarantee you that she will not go to kindergarten with one.

- She speaks in sentences. She sings complete songs. She has conversations with me on the phone. It amazes me that so much knowledge can come out of such a little person. She knows all of her colors, animal sounds, body parts (my fav. is the eyelashes), can count to 10, and can recognize most of the letters in her name. She can draw a circle or heart or straight line when asked.

- We are considering moving her out of her crib into a big girl bed. I really don’t want to at all. But if baby #2 comes along I don’t want it to be a rush and her still think that the crib is her bed. She has never climbed out of her crib, or even attempted to, so I may hold off a few more months. She is perfectly content sleeping in there and actually prefers to sleep in a crib over a real bed. I think that will break my heart in two when I take that crib down…

- Baby #2. Praying and hoping and wishing. We want to give Claire a sibling and want another baby to love and adore. I get tingly thinking of late night nursing. Just me and baby. Quality alone time. I get tingly thinking of those baby smells. Those delicious baby smells of lavender and vanilla lotions, yummy baby laundry and the sweet smell of breast milk on those ruby red lips and pink cheeks. I get tingly thinking of that first finger grasp. The one that takes your breath away and makes you realize that the precious tiny being that you just brought into this world is all yours. And you instantly fall madly, deeply in love. Those tingly feelings.

- Life. Saturday night we went to a bbq. It was perfect. The smell of bbq grills and sweaty kids. Sitting on the deck steps sipping a cold beer chatting with friends as the little ones squealed and swung and slid in the backyard. Watching dads toss washers and bean bags and throw their heads back in laughter. The sun setting and the cool air of fall whipping in. Jackets pulled out for the first time and welcomed. Friends.

- Fall. Baby G.ap has gotten me again. As has G.ymboree and C.arters. I went overboard. There is no possible way that my child will wear most of the sweaters and vests and cardigans more than one time, but I absolutely HAD to have them. Hues of magenta and plum and navy and brown and orange. I’m in love. I can’t wait to pull out the tights and suede Mary Janes and fall bows that have been ordered and are waiting patiently in the closet. As for me, I’m in no rush. A new pair of jeans have been purchased for me in a size larger than last year. I will follow the motto that I wish every woman should. Just because you can get them on, does not mean you should be wearing them. Enough said. Good thing my hubby finds curves sexy…

Until next time…

Sarah

Sigh...

2010-09-01T09:14:00.001-05:00

Why is it that I have every single symptom of pregnancy except the BFP? Sigh...maybe next month.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-25T16:20:00.001-05:00

One Happy Baby!

[Not So] Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-18T11:24:00.003-05:00

Wouldn’t you love to go back to the days when something as small as a sprinkler made you smile like this?

Absolute. Pure Joy.

Little things. Like an ice cream cone on the patio dripping down your hands and onto your toes. Like the wind blowing in your hair from the swing that hangs in the big old oak tree in your backyard. Like a bath with bubbles that come to the top of the tub and smell like strawberries.

This little being has taught me so much. To slow down. To enjoy the ice cold sprinkler on a warm, humid summer night. To laugh and giggle when the ice cream drips onto sweet little pink painted toes. To grab those toes and they dangle from the pink swing in the backyard and nibble the life out of them as she squeals in delight. To not care that MOST of the strawberry bubbles make it out of the tub and onto the floor because the bubble beard that you make yourself is just so darn cute.

My Claire Elizabeth. You have taught me to enjoy the small things – like the sprinkler. And it makes me smile in a new way watching YOU.

Absolute. Pure. Joy.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-04T11:48:00.003-05:00

Heart Overflowith...

Vacation

2010-07-30T10:57:00.009-05:00

Our first family vacation.

A week away from the stress and work and the day to day crap that always seems to happen.

Claire’s first airplane ride.

Nervous ? Oh yeah. Panicked just about described how I felt. I was terrified that she would cry and scream and not want to sit still. We talked the airplane rides up for weeks before the trip. How it was going to be loud, and you had to sit in your own seat and buckle your seatbelt until the little light went off. How the lady was going to come by and ask you for a drink and you could tell her “apple juice”. We had her prepared the best we could, but you still never know. To say she was an Angel would be an understatement.

She chose the window seat (much to her daddy’s dismay) and sat down, buckled her belt and was ready to go. 45 mins later we landed in Nashville for a layover and she started crying when we hit the ground – “I FLY mama!!!!” She didn’t want it to end!! So cute.

Lunch, 2 hour layover, short nap

(for Claire, of course), another 45 min flight and we landed in sunny Florida.

Beach day #1. We packed a bag, sand toys, umbrella, chairs, cooler and walked the 2 min walk across the street to the beach. Showed Claire the water, the waves, the sand. Loved it. Put her down IN the sand
– not lovin it so much. Screamed her little head off until I picked her up – and only I could pick her up. Oh, and I wasn’t allowed to sit down either. I had to stand in the 100+ degree beach and not get IN the water or sit UNDER the umbrella. We lasted under 15 mins that day. Lesson from day one at the beach: Claire and sand don’t mix.

Day #2-5. Rain.
Rain. Rain.
Hurricane Alec. Thank you very much for dumping 10 inches of rain onto the Florida panhandle that week.
We spend our days playing in the rain puddles on the patio,
lunching

and drinking our afternoons away,

shopping, and hitting the pool when there wasn’t thunder. Oh yeah, Par-tay let me tell ya.

Day #6. Ahhhhhh, good ol sunshine. We were up and out at 8am to enjoy our last full day in the sun. We hit the beach (minus Claire) and spend hours at the pool.
Claire thought that she owned the stairs getting into the pool and if you tried to use them or sit on them “no, mama – MY pool”.
So sweet, isn’t she?!?!?!?
(Extreme sarcasm used in previous statement).

All in all, it was wonderful and relaxing and I haven’t spent that much continuous time with Claire since she’s was born. I loved every single second of it. I want to go back and do it again. I am so glad that we were able to vacation with just her one time.

Life is Good.

27 Months

2010-07-27T15:25:00.002-05:00

Claire Elizabeth,

My sweet little girl. My angel. My ladybug. My peanut butter cup. My baby. You are so many things. You are a daughter, a niece, a granddaughter, a cousin, a friend, a playmate, a pal. But one thing that makes you so special to me, is that you are mine. All mine. I am so proud of the little girl that you are becoming. You are so smart – so very smart it amazes me. You are so sweet and loving. You are compassionate and caring. You are witty and silly. You make me smile just thinking about you.

I was going to stop writing you letters when you turned two, but I want you to know how much I am madly, deeply in love with you. And there is no better way than to put it on paper, so you will forever hold my words, my love letters to you. My raw, rambling, pit of my stomach feelings that I have for you.

I smother you in kisses daily. I scoop you up for hugs and snuggles – sometimes against your will – but I can’t help myself. I love the way you pull me and daddy’s ears close to your face and hold the kiss – smack dab on the lips – for a few seconds. Seconds that I cherish. I love the way that you pat the couch and tell me “mama, sit” when you want me to watch shows with you. I love the morning snuggles in bed, the way you STILL fit perfectly in between daddy and I in our bed. I love the way you put your head against mine and rub the corner of your blanket while you suck away on your binky. I close my eyes and tuck those memories in the back of my brain. In that special Claire Elizabeth spot. The spot that just grows and grows and stretches to accept all the amazing memories that you make. Memories that I will NEVER forget. The smell of baby shampoo and clean jammies. The feel of your toes curling on my thighs as you watch Mickey Mouse. The sound of your tiny breaths, so steady, in and out, in and out. Those mornings. Those times. Priceless.

Please stop growing up on me. Or at least please stay the sweet little girl that you are.

I love you more than words can express.

Love always and forever,

Mama

Dad

2010-07-21T10:57:00.004-05:00

One year ago today my dad walked into St. Luke’s for his last chemo treatment. It had been a year of hell. A year of scares and worry and fear. Of surgeries and ports and chemo and avoiding infection. A year that everyone walked on eggshells wondering if this is really going to work. Is it really going to kill off those nasty cells that worked their way out of the 10 inch mass that was growing in his body and into his lymph fluid? How is dad going to handle the intense chemotherapy drugs that will take him just to the brink of death and then bring him back to life? How is his aging body going to handle 3 surgeries in less than a year?

HOW?

But, damn he is fighter. And this weekend we will celebrate ONE YEAR OF BEING CANCER FREE!!!!!

100 people RSVP’d !YES! to attend a party that celebrates his life. His health. Our love for him. A small THANK YOU to the people that loved and prayed and prayed and supported us during that horribly difficult time. The cards and notes and dinners and cookies and love that poured from an amazing group of family and friends that he has. He’s lucky and blessed and loved by so many.

Here’s to you dad – you kicked cancer’s ass!!!!

Reason # One Million and One why I love this kid

2010-06-23T23:28:00.003-05:00

Stuff

2010-06-21T15:15:00.008-05:00

Life happens.

I want to slow things down. Take more of it in. Enjoy the small things.

I want to soak up the time with my baby girl before I take a back seat to her other interests. I want to spend my weekends watching little girls

turn into big girls

right before my eyes.

I want to sit back and watch my mini-me act like such a little diva. Complete with wide brimmed hat and shades to match. And they stay on the entire.time.

I want to take in everything that is delicious about her. The smell of baby sunblock and apple juice. The feel of her tiny little naked tushie in her swimsuit. The way her arm falls perfectly around my neck in pure love and trust.

Little girls who lick the life out of blue suckers

and proudly show off the after effect.

This little girl. Who INSISTS on wearing these sunglasses because they are like "Paw Paw's"

Who has turned my heart into a puddle of mush in 2 short years. Who can make me drop everything with only two words - "MAMA WATCH!" And the bucket of water is, again, emptied into the pool.

The little girl who's "Hoppy Fadas Day" made tears well into my eyes because she adores that man probably as much as I do.

I need to get back to my blogging again. I need to document the fantastic life we have with this fun, awesome, amazing little girl that we call Claire Elizabeth!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-09T14:07:00.002-05:00

Just when I thought she couldn't get ANY cuter...

Oh, how I love this beautiful soul.

Friends

2010-06-04T09:45:00.005-05:00

"Sometimes you pick your friends, sometimes they pick you."

Friends are the glue of life. You have your old, true friends that you can call out of the blue and talk for hours about nothing. The ones that you call when you have babies or sick parents. The ones you can laugh with until your cheeks hurt reminiscing about early 90’s fashion or old boyfriends.
You have newer friends that you accumulate through kids and husbands and work and who are slowly making their way into that “true friend” list. The ones you meet at the park for picnics and playground fun. The ones who you meet for last minute after work drinks. The ones who pick up small things for your little one 'just because'. I love my friends for loving me and my family. I love my friends for loving Claire like she is their own. I love watching Claire light up as friends come through the door and immediately scoop her up for lovin.

I love it.

I love long holiday weekends spent with good friends doing just that.

Laughing and loving and hugging and playing and enjoying. That is what life is all about. Time spent enjoying LIFE. Enjoying good company and conversation.

Enjoying good BBQ and cold beer. Enjoying little ones playing in the pool and the yard until way past sunset.

Enjoying.

Potty Time

2010-05-14T11:20:00.003-05:00

Well, I have some jump-for-joy, put your hands-in-the-air, take-a-seat news...

Yup, you see right. That is one tiny little poop in the potty!!!

She did it, she had to inspect it, and then flush it away! After a thorough hand wash and a dozen or so M&M's I put a diaper back on her...and she pooped the rest in that!! BUT, it's a start, and I am SO SUPER proud of her!

Melt. My. Heart.

2010-05-06T10:41:00.002-05:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Spring

2010-05-03T16:50:00.006-05:00

A time for turn over. A time for new life. A time for flowers to bloom and grass to turn from brown to green again. A time to reflect on the important things in life. A time to move forward.

A time to realize that the laundry will get done. The dishwasher will get unloaded. The carpet stains will still be there tomorrow to clean away. A time to cherish the simple things in life.

Like watching your little girl help you plant the flowers that will bloom all summer long on the back porch.

The flowers that will remind you to slow it down. Come down to her level. Play just a little bit longer before dinner.

Watching as giggles are met with tiny drops of water from the hose. As shovels full of potting soil are thrown behind the back of a 2 year old. As little fingers are wiped clean from the dirt they’ve dug into.

The pink and purple watering can that is left to collect rain on the patio. The pink shovel and rake that are caked with mud. The mulch that was thrown from the bed around the tree into the lawn. Reminders of an afternoon. An afternoon of sunshine and cool breezes. Of one on one time with me and my girl. Of memories made.

This is life. My life. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

(And Fun Dip shared with one very special Auntie)

I have a two year old?

2010-04-28T12:34:00.004-05:00

The following conversation that we had last night (and most nights, honestly)makes me realize that I do, indeed, have a two year old:

Mama: Claire, come here so I can change you, please.
Claire: NO!!
Mama: Claire, dinner's ready, let's go to the table.
Claire: NO!!
Mama: Claire, let's put your shoes on so we can go bye-bye
Claire: NO (then brings me her shoes, because we ALL KNOW they love going bye bye)
Mama: Claire, let's take a bath.
Claire: NO!!
Mama: Claire, do you want ice cream?
Claire: NO!! (Ten Seconds Later) OK!

Pictures of my TWO YEAR OLD the day of her birthday...

Happy Second Birthday Claire Elizabeth!

2010-04-22T14:11:00.006-05:00

April 22, 2008

April 22, 2009

April, 2010

Baby Girl, it just keeps getting better and better and better!

Bare Feet and Hand Prints

2010-04-13T09:52:00.010-05:00

Did we have a gorgeous weekend in St. Louis or what? Temps in the low 80's, light breeze NO humidity! Couldn't ask for more. We went to a BBQ/painting party for the kids on Sunday evening and I went camera crazy with the perfect evening light!

Claire and her Gram

We painted flowerpots...

Auntie Ellen & Lily

Jamie and Ella

And added some handprints...which not everyone liked (Claire being #1 in that boat)

I think more of the paint got ON Claire than on the pot, but that was half the fun.

The finished masterpieces,

And what could be better than a little playing - nudist style - and an evening swing with the sun setting behind you.

Life is Good.

Life

2010-04-07T15:37:00.004-05:00

It seems like just yesterday you were a distant thought in my mind. A’ what if’. A ‘hopefully one day soon’. An ‘I think we’re ready’. Then you were here. And I’ve devoted my whole entire everything to you. I grew you inside of me and nurtured you for 33 long, but not long enough, weeks. I witnessed the miracle of life the day you were born. I’ve haven’t taken my eyes off of you since.

I’ve watched you learn how to breathe on your own, eat on your own, regulate your temperature on your own. I’ve watched you learn to smile. Learn to roll over. Learn to crawl and walk and run. I’ve watched you learn to talk and sing in the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard. I’ve taught you everything that you know. Through words, and signs, and repetition, and example and patience. I’ve read to you and sung to you. I’ve rocked you and snuggled you. I’ve comforted you and I’ve disciplined you.

I’ve loved you.

Always.

Forever.

Unconditional.

I’ve watched you grow up right before my eyes. From one day to the next. Learning, growing, exploring, testing your own limits. You’re brave, cautions, inquisitive. You’re bright and smart. Your big bright eyes take it all in. Oh, how I love those beautiful eyes of yours. Sometimes I feel like when I look into those eyes it’s like I’m looking directly into your beautiful soul. And we connect. We connect without a word spoken or a touch being had. And I know. And you know.

It’s pure.

Love.

Perfection.

The wind blows in your hair and you swipe the wisps out of your face with the back of your hand. Your face is smeared with dried bubbles and sidewalk chalk and sticky sucker remnants. Your knees are scraped. Your shins are bruised. Your fingernails are filthy. The toes of your purple Converse sneakers are scuffed and worn. Sidewalk chalk lies on the sidewalk and bubbles are strewn in the grass. Baby doll strollers are left halfway down the street. A bunch of yellow dandelion flowers are dropped a few feet away and your hands are still stained from your grip on them. A sippy cup of water is hanging out on the driveway with a half eaten sucker waiting for your return. I look over and see a little girl squatting down, looking at a trail of ants that are coming and going from a sidewalk crack. I see a dried leaf crumpled in one hand and a stick in the other.

That little girl is mine.

And she’s all grown up.

I smile and my eyes fill with tears. Tears of joy. Tears of pride. Tears of unconditional love. Tears that only a mother can understand and shed. “MAMA”, she squeals as she breaks away from her Daddy’s grip to show me her treasures. Her little feet pounding the pavement, still a little unsure of her steps, but gaining more confidence every day. Her big bow flopping up and down. Little pieces of hair are curled tight from the humidity and stuck to the side of her face. She smells like outside. Like a little puppy dog that’s been playing outside for hours. Like warm spring evenings and the day that’s accumulated on the front of her shirt. I come down to her level and marvel over her findings. She tells me all about them her little mouth contorting in silly, cute ways to form sounds and letters that she hasn’t quite mastered yet.

Life.

This is what it's all about. Everyday life. Toys and flowers and walks. Baby dolls and bubbles. Swinging from the tree in the backyard until the last bit of sunlight slips behind the trees. Late dinners on the patio because no one wants to stop playing for even one minute to go inside. Balls and cozy coupes that are left on the patio for next time. And evenings with a baby monitor humming in the background and mommies and daddies become husband and wife again over a six pack of ice cold beer on the patio with tiki torches blowing in the wind.

Two years.

Two years of miracles and worry and tears and milestones and growing and laughing and learning and amazement and fears and unknowns - and love. Most importantly love. I love this little girl with my whole entire being. I cannot believe that in two short weeks I will celebrate her second birthday. I can’t believe that I’ve been loving like I’ve never loved before for two whole years. Sometimes my head just spins thinking about it. Where has the time gone? I have thousands and thousands of pictures to show me and remind me, but it still seems unbelievably surreal sometimes.
Life.

Is.

Amazing.

Awesome.

Good.

Mine.

I Love...

2010-03-26T11:18:00.002-05:00

Everything about my sick baby girl...

From her sweet sticky fingers

To her chubby little toes

And who could forget the cutest ever, little nose!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-24T12:40:00.002-05:00

Like mother like daughter!

My Irish Princess

2010-03-17T09:48:00.003-05:00

This cute little girl has something to say...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

The Natural Beauty of Natural Light

2010-03-12T11:10:00.003-06:00

Pure. Innocent. Sweet. Kissable. Lovable. Hugable.

Nibbleable. Ooey. Gooey. Goodness.

Beautiful Bloggers

2010-03-09T16:33:00.002-06:00

Thanks Cibele for the award!!

Let’s see, I’ve done a few “About Me” posts in the past, but I’ll try to change it up.

I still get goose bumps when my hubby kisses me on the neck, and I love that. I love that after 7 years of being together he still has it.

Before I was a mom I would always say, “when I have kids I will NEVER or I will ALWAYS…” -- I have learned that there is no right or wrong way to be a parent and that everyone has their own way of thinking. You don’t have to agree, but you have to respect their thoughts.

I still slip into Claire’s room every single night and watch her sleep. I stare at her beautiful face. I touch her cool, smooth cheeks, I brush her silky soft hair away from her face. I wonder how she is almost as long as the crib and when that happened? Seems like overnight. I can still picture her swaddled laying in-between two rolled up blankets with a huge green hospital binky covering her face.

I have an awesome group of girls that I adore and love spending weekend nights with. I love that they understand that I don’t always have time to call or text during the week and we can pick up where we left off – even if it’s been weeks or (gasp) months since we’ve seen each other.

This parenting thing is harder than I EVER imagined it would be. I admit that I lose my patience more than I ever thought I would. I admit that I rely on my mom and dad and my sister more than I thought I would. I am SO lucky to have that support group in my life.

I love to indulge in extra crispy fries with a side of wing sauce and a side of ranch sauce to dip, accompanied by a tall, icy, draught Miller Lite.

I think I’m ALMOST ready to have another baby. ALMOST. I think that if things get too easy at home with Claire that I will throw the whole idea of a sibling out the huge front window of our house. Not that I’m thinking anytime in the very near future, but maybe by the end of the summer…hmmmmm.

Along the lines of another baby, I am terrified to share my time and love with another child. I know that it comes naturally, but Claire will forever hold such a special place in my heart. She made me a mom. She is just so special to me. She taught me how to love without any expectations. She taught me how to throw any selfishness out the window. She taught me how to put someone else first.

There you have it...I invite ALL of my readers - oh which most have seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth (boo hoo) to join in on this.

Day Dreaming

2010-03-02T11:47:00.003-06:00

I often wonder what's going through this beautiful mind of hers...

The day dreaming, the imagination, the fantasies, the make believe, the curiosity -- the innocence of a child.

22 Months

2010-02-22T11:21:00.006-06:00

Oh Baby Girl, where the heck has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday I was holding, and cuddling, and snuggling, and nursing, and staring, and wondering,

"what will it be like... when she can crawl? when she can walk? when she says mama? when she gives hugs and sloppy wet kisses without even being asked?
when we can have tea parties? when she wants to wear my heels and carry a purse (melt my heart here)? when she mimics me putting on make-up? when she sings along to songs in the car? when we can have dance parties in the mirror and she doesn't care that mama doesn't have the moves anymore? when she asks for ice cream - and always gets it? when I'll have to carry a kicking, back-arched, tear streaked 22 month old out of a restaurant?
(Before shot)

when she loves to shop and look through clothes and try on shoes as much as I do? when she walks through the mall without a stroller for the first time? when we walk through parking lots and she snuggles up close to my neck and says "coooollllddd"? when I put her on the big girl potty

and my eyes well up because I know that that little baby that I used to hold, cuddle, snuggle, nurse, stare at and wonder is HERE. And I love every single second of it.

Happy 22 Month birthday Claire LizzyBeth!!!

I love you more than you will ever know!

Love, Mama

I Love You

2010-02-08T15:15:00.005-06:00

By far the best book we have ever been given (thanks Gramps, which is now "Pa Pa" by choice of Claire).

The book.

My sweet girl reading the book.

The last word of every sentence is a picture, and she knows the word to almost every picture in the book. She "reads" with me every night and I love it. She gets her footy PJ's on, grabs the book off the shelf, and backs up until she falls into my lap to read. I love the smell of her yummy shampooed head as I nuzzle into her hair as we read.

One more reason why life is oh, so good.

Simple Things

2010-02-05T11:14:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I get really down and feel sorry for myself for all the crap that we deal with on a daily basis. Then I hear the sweetest 4 letter word in the whole entire world, "mama", and realize that I'm actually pretty darn lucky. My simple things list I stole from Kelly's Korner.

1) Being called "mama"
2) Big hugs from little arms that barely reach around my neck. And a kiss smack dab on the mouth that lasts for 5 seconds and leaves you with the sweet taste of milk and strawberries (LOVE it)
3) Rain on the gutters in the morning
4) Cartoons in bed on Saturday mornings. And the way Claire likes the pillows to be propped up just so so that she can lounge and watch Clubhouse M.ickey
5) Kind of liking the Hot Dog song at the end of M.ickey
6) Claire just out of the bath - the sweet baby smells
7) My husband's warm body next to me at night
8) My sister
9) My mom
10) Silly Smiles

11) Sleeping in until 8 on the weekends
12) G.ymboree and Baby G.ap
13) Pigtails

14) Dark Chocolate
15) Watching my baby girl eat a bowl of Fruit Loops all by herself

I am so blessed.

Tough Days Ahead

2010-02-02T09:09:00.006-06:00

We've always had feeding issues with Claire. Since she was 3 months old we've been dealing with reflux and fighting bottles. When she was a mere 6 pounds we were able to, literally, force feed her. And we did. We did for almost a year. It was hell. She cried, we cried. But it had to be done. Then she turned one and we took the bottle away and poof, things improved. She was eating all table food and was eating a big variety of different things. We were finally settling into a somewhat "normal" lifestyle as far as eating was concerned. We cooked and Claire ate what we ate. We went out to dinner and she ate off of our plates. It was nice and relaxing and somewhat stress-free. You all know eating out with a 15 month old has its own stresses in itself - is the high chair covered? is the table wiped down with antibacterial wipes? do we have the toys attached so that they don't hit the floor and thus, become unusable again? Is there a 2 foot space in front of her so that she can't possible spill ANYTHING? Those stresses. But the actual FOOD was not one.

About 13-14 months we started to see some changes. She started preferring some foods over others, which is completely normal at that age, as her taste buds were changing and developing. But it was more than that. We would put food on her tray and she would use her index finger to push on it. If the food gave in in any way, she screamed and shoved it away. She only wanted things that were hard or crunchy. Her food choices were slowly and slowly narrowing down. We were constantly trying to find new things that she would eat to give her some variety and to make sure she was eating a balanced diet. The months went by and more and more foods were being eliminated, by her, from her diet. She would scream and throw tantrums when a food was on her plate that she didn't want. She refused to eat anything at that point.

She got sick and lost 5 ounces, and when you're only 22 pounds, that's a lot.

Ryan and I were at our breaking point.

We met with Claire's GI doctor yesterday and she urged us to see the Feeding Team at St. L.ouis C.hildren's Hospital for sensory issues, amongst other things. They will evaluate her and watch her eat (or attempt to eat) a meal and see where we go from there. Dr. B said that therapy could be anywhere from 2-5 days a week, lasting 6 months to 2 years! I just need some help. I just need someone to watch her behavior and tell me exactly what to do. Because we've tried everything and I don't know what to do anymore.

We know that we are SO VERY blessed that Claire is here with us and healthy in so many other ways, but when it's your child who is going through this, it's the worst thing in the world. My heart just aches for the beautiful, innocent angel.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We have a long, tough road ahead of us...

Tough Days

2010-01-20T10:46:00.005-06:00

We've had a tough couple of days. Claire has been sick. Fevers that require BOTH M.otrin and T.ylenol to break them. Coughs that require breathing treatments every 3 hours. Coughs that make her sweet little voice so hoarse that she can hardly squeak out a whine. Coughs that make her throw up slimy mucous all over the carpet. Miserable. But through it all, all of the coughing and sweating and chills and snotty noses, my little trooper still had a smile on her face. And I love this little face more and more every single day.

I love her just out of the bath. Baby towels that still drape over her head, goosebumps cover her skin, her hair damp and smells of delicious baby smells. She snuggles into me and fits like a glove into the crook of my arm. I love this time with her and never want it to end.

This and That

2010-01-13T10:10:00.003-06:00

These last few months I’ve sat down to write and nothing seems to come to mind. I have a whole list of drafts in my folder that just don’t seem publishable. There’s just not much going on. Nothing more exciting than playing, that is.

Claire is adorable as usual. She is loving all her new Christmas toys…every day seems like Christmas when she discovers a new toy that she forgot that she had! She has a few favorites:

She loves her Sesame Street doll house. I love it too. She lays on her tummy with her feet in the air and we play with the dolls – Elmo, Cookie, Big Bird, Ernie – but no Bert, I can’t figure that one out. She actually makes the dolls “walk” and we talk to each other in “Elmo talk”, but she is ALWAYS Elmo, and I let her ( ; It is so much fun to play with her and she plays back.

We also frequent the tea set on her new table and chairs set and have parties with juice and Fruit Loops. We cook in her new kitchen and she loves to wear the apron and line up all the dishes on the dining room table. She brings me cups with spoons and feed me while making slurping sounds. Such a little girl!!

She has her favorite new castle tent that we spend hours, did you notice the “s” on the end of the “hour”. Uh huh. Hours are spent in this tent, and it gets kinda hot in there when she insists that the door stays closed. And she always wants it closed. But I love the closeness in the tent. We read books and sing songs – her favorites are “Elmo’s World” and “Baby Bop Hop”. I sing a verse, then I stop and she sings her own version. Her voice is the most precious, angelic, darling, sweet, kissable sound that I’ve ever heard!!!

We are having a blast. Playing and pretending and learning and growing. I love this age. She is growing up so fast that I just want her to slow down for a teeny tiny bit and stay this way for a little bit longer.

The Many Faces of Claire Elizabeth

2010-01-11T14:06:00.003-06:00

This little girl oozes with personality. She makes me smile and laugh more than I ever did before. She brings out the kid in me again and I love it. This is Claire Elizabeth...

How can you not love this face???? How can you not kiss this face over and over and over? Seriously people, HOW?

Claire's First Haircut

2010-01-04T10:35:00.006-06:00

I have put this day off as long as I could. I don't know why a silly haircut was so terrifying to me. Maybe it's because it would be a part of her that will gone. Maybe it's because I love that silky blonde hair more than anything. And I know we weren't going to CUT CUT it, but still. The other night though I was looking at her beautiful head of hair and realized that the little "tail" she sports in the back needed to come off. I showed my sister EXACTLY what I wanted cut off, nothing more, nothing less, and we agreed to an appointment Saturday morning. I woke up, so excited. I don't know why, I guess I'm just a dork like that. We got up and dressed and went to have donuts for breakfast. Claire literally jumped out of my arms to point at the sprinkled donuts in the case. She got one and ate the whole entire thing.

We got to the salon and got Claire all ready. She sat there like an angel. She felt so pretty, she looked so old. Sitting there all by herself in the chair, with a cape on, getting her very first haircut!

The first snip!

She wasn't quite tall enough, so I moved in and she sat on my lap for the rest of it.

She got a sucker when she was almost done so Auntie could even up the sides.

Then she got a quick blow-dry.

And voila, she was done!

And I did ok too.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

2009-12-24T08:14:00.012-06:00

[Photo Edition]

I just love this time of the year. The lights and the music and the decorations and the shopping and the baking and the parties.

But this year we have so much to be thankful for. My dad has his one year post check-up on Monday, and we got a thumbs up from the doctor. He had a scare with some blood results about a month ago, but after a CT scan and a colonoscopy, he was given the all clear (for now)!!! What a true Christmas blessing! I think our whole entire family received the best Christmas present EVER this year. My dad's health. And I know one little girl in particular that has brightened up some of the darkest days...

Other than that we've been busy, busy, busy.

We've done some decorating...

At home

And at Gram & Gramp's

And some undecorating at a friend's house...

But really, who can resist a candy cane that looks like THAT?

Claire's been doing lots of hanging out in her jammies playing with her new stuff that Ryan's mom brought over last weekend for Christmas...

Look, there's snow in the background!

We did a little baking with Gram and Auntie

And spent lots of time just hanging out with friends and having fun.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

Ryan, Sarah & Claire Elizabeth

Dear Santa,

2009-12-17T12:31:00.009-06:00

Thank you for finally allowing me to talk DH into a new camera. It arrived on Tuesday and I've practiced a little (a lot)...with one cute subject, I might add.

Some are too dark and some are too shadowy...

When she's had enough, she lets me know...

And so I moved onto a more cooperating subject!

And Santa, I think that the new x-box under the tree was a good distraction for DH...

Love,

Sarah

Not So Wordless Wednesday

2009-12-09T14:12:00.003-06:00

I love this kid. I mean, really, really, really, REALLY love this kid. She is so fun and so animated. And I love that her sense of humor is just like mine. I love that she "tricks" us and teases us. I love that she hides behind the couch and we have to call her name over and over because we "can't find her". I love that every.single.time you walk in a room she says "HI!!!" like she hasn't seen you in years. I love the way she can smile with her eyes. I love that she is the best little mommy in the whole wide world.

Ahhhh, my love.

Embarrassing Mommy Moment, #1

2009-12-01T08:30:00.004-06:00

Claire has been curious about our bodies lately. Specifically my boobs. She constantly pulls my shirt down and looks at them and touches them, which is fine - they were hers for 9 months. I didn't want to name them "boobs" or "breasts" so I call them my "milks", which is what my mom called them when we were little. Weird, maybe a little. BUT, in a family that breastfeeds, not so much. This is all fine when we're at home, and she's doing it to ME...

We went to dinner last week with my aunts and cousins. Claire was sitting with my cousin Katie reading a book. Out of nowhere, she reached up and cupped Katie's boob in her hands, yes both of her hands, and proclaimed "MILKS!!" She was so proud of herself, and Katie was frozen. Probably shocked. I removed Claire's hands, telling her, yes those are Katie's milks, but we don't touch other people's.

What else could I do?

The first of many embarrassing mom moments!

19 Months

2009-11-24T14:58:00.003-06:00

We had Claire's 18 (ish) month appointment last night. 18/19 month stats Weight: 22.12 pounds 25% Length: 30 1/4 inches 50% Head: 49 cm 90% (down from the 95%-YEAH!) Dr. Quinn was pleased with everything and that makes for very happy and proud parents. LOVE this video...it shows her personality to a T - sorry about the sideways view!!!!

Dear Santa, for Christmas this year, I want...

2009-11-18T14:06:00.006-06:00

36 days
9 hours and
52 minutes until Christmas.

I'm kind of stumped on what to get Claire for Christmas this year. Christmas is a HUGE deal in our family, and Santa always goes completely overboard with presents.

So far I've gotten her a play tent (she loves these things) a Water Baby (do you gals remember these!?!?!?)that she can bring in the bathtub with her, a musical instrument set with a drum, tambourine, and maracas, and I'm on the search for an upholstered arm chair for her. I've gotten her some new books and some new jammies, but other than that, I'm lost!!!

What are you getting your little ones that are around Claire's age for Christmas?? I need some ideas...

because this little girl has been VERY good this year!

Life

2009-11-15T23:46:00.002-06:00

Life happens. You blink your eyes and a second has passed. Just like that. Blink and it's gone. You've missed one second of your life in one single blink. And to some, a second is just that. A second. Not to me.

Chaos. My life is so far beyond my control right now, my head is spinning. I love control. I thrive on it. And my life is just a mess.

Cancer. I hate you. My dad's oncologist called Friday with the news any cancer family dreads, "your numbers are up." I am numb. I cannot cry any more tears. What's the point?

Layoffs. Ryan's been laid off for months. We're so accustomed to a two income lifestyle. Unemployment is a joke. It doesn't even cover our mortgage. Ryan's health insurance runs out in February and we need the dual insurance's for Claire. Her splints are so expensive and with only my insurance, we pay $500 per pair out of pocket.

In-laws. Where do I begin. They live 10 minutes away and his mother hasn't seen Claire since August. His dad hasn't seen her for 11 months...since last Christmas. The hurt and pain is so deep there that I can't begin to describe the feelings that I have for those people. Do you know that his mother called 2 days after Halloween and didn't even ASK what Claire was...didn't even ask...And the fact that my husband won't grow a backbone and stick up for me just makes me literally sick to my stomach.

Holidays. I dread them. I dread the awkwardness that comes with seeing his family. I wish it were different. I am dreading Christmas Eve already...

I'm just in a funk. I can't seem to snap out of it. Life is tough. It's been a tough year and a half for me. I hate to complain, because I have to much to be thankful for, but please God, give me a break. I need a break. Physically and mentally, I need a break. I just can't be the rock that I have been this past year and half.

So, as I sit here at 12:03 am and google cancer numbers and the economy and dealing with the holidays when you can't stand your in-laws, I wonder why am I putting this out there for the world to read. Because it feels good. It feels so f*cking good to get it off my chest, off my mind, and not actually have to SAY it. Because that would be admitting defeat, and I am too strong to be defeated.

Maybe sleep will come tonight...

A wonderful, amazing, wish-they-were-all-like-this, kind of day

2009-11-10T14:17:00.006-06:00

Sunday.

I heart Sundays. Sleeping in, waking up to babies, err toddlers, in your bed, cartoons, breakfast, playing, no rushing. I love them.

Lately they have been trying. The whines and the tears and tantrums have gotten the best of this little angel that lives in – runs – our house. And by Sunday evening I am usually counting the hours until I GET to go back to work.

Not this Sunday.

We woke up and played and snuggled in bed. Claire thinks it is absolutely hilarious to crawl to the bottom of the bed under the sheets, sit there and giggle. We think that it’s pretty hilarious too. She takes breaks and crawls up and plops between us and points out our “eyyyye” “noooose” “mooooof” “eaaarrrr” “haaaaair”. And now when Ryan asks where his beard is, she rubs his face and doubles over laughing - I wish I could bottle that laugh so I never forget it…

I pulled myself away from the fun and made some delish French toast with vanilla, cinnamon and nutmeg…so very very good! Claire ate a whole piece and dipped each and every bite in the syrup until it was running down her arm. She then shoved her sticky fingers in my mouth so I could lick them…gross, but so sweet.

It was an unseasonably wonderful warm day in STL, so we took full advantage and went to a farm to see the animals. Claire loved it!! As soon as we pulled up she started screaming and talking in a language that only she understands. When we first walked up there was an outside area where she seen the one and only cow grazing in the pasture.

“Look at the cow, Claire…what does the cow say?”

And I’ll be damned if that kid did not say “mooooo.” Clear as day. I work and work and work with her on animal sounds daily and she has never repeated one, except for 'woof' and 'meow'. Maybe she does listen to me but is just a little stubborn...like her mamma? Hmmmmm. We went inside the barn and every time she seen a cow “moooo”. A little genius? I'm thinkin so!

We saw the horses and ponies.

And then the goats, her favorite. She could have stayed there for hours squealing and pointing and putting her cute little hand inside the pens to touch them. It made me want to get her a goat for a pet…again. We decided against it when we seen the amount of poop one of those things puts out…we clean up enough poop already.

Lookin JUST like me in this picture...it's scary!

She had fun running her little heart out from pen to pen. The chickens, the bunnies, the pigs, oh my! She is getting so brave and sure of herself now that she is back in her splints/stabilizers.

She fed and chased the ducks,

And loved to run across the bridges.

And even posed for a photo...

It was just one of those feel good, love your life, know you have the perfect family, wish everyday was this good, kind of days.

These two are my life...

18 month wonders

2009-11-04T08:41:00.009-06:00

I am loving 18 months (minus the tantrums, ohhh the tantrums).

Her words at 18 months:
Mama
bad
Dada
bug
Dog
all gone
Duck
outside
Ball
apple
Hot
cracker
This
cup
Please
bubble
Thank you
night night
Bird
uh oh
Boo
truck
Ghost
coff[ee]
Cold
bus
No
Claire
Teeth
up
Car
bow

Eating: Back on track. Still picky-ish, but eating nonetheless. She’s eating chicken, turkey, cheese, mac n cheese, meatballs, hamburgers, bread, crackers, pizza (a new one), yogurt, turkey dogs, raising, apples, pears, strawberries, bananas, sausage, pancakes, waffles. YEAH!! I am no longer pulling my hair out!! I believe it was reflux, within days of being back on her meds, things turned around. I feel so incredibly guilty that I prematurely took her off of the P.revacid. Although she still won't touch anything green or orange, unless it's sugar laden and gummy.

Hugs & Kisses: She gives hugs and kisses without being asked...which literally melts my heart into a puddle of love on the floor. There is nothing better than a kiss followed by the “muah” sound. Nothing. Well, maybe a hug. And these big, bear hugs are also heart melters. Her little hands around your neck, squeezing, and accompanied with the “uhhhh” sound. Makes you realize that you’re doing a darn good job with her.

Personality: Her little personality is shining though like a big, bright star. She loves to “joke” with us. She’ll take her cup and try to drink from it upside down. Or put her shapes from the shape sorter in the wrong spot and say “noooooo” , all the while with the cutest squinty eyed smile. She loves to play with her babies and holds them close to her, rocks back and forth and says “awwwww”. Cute? That is an understatement. She likes to feed baby a bottle, share her binky, and cover the baby with blankets. Such a little mama. Her CD. Loves it. As soon as we get in the car she wants it on. She “sings” and dances and kicks to the beat the whole time. It’s a Little People CD. I never thought I’d be a mom who drives around listening to kids songs. But she loves them; therefore, so do I. She loves her toothbrush and I think I put toothpaste on it at least 10 times every evening. Could be worse, right? Heart melter below...

Tantrums: Oh Lord, please help me get through this stage. I mean, sometimes is seems as if another child has come into her little body and made her so darn naughty. She will throw anything in sight, lay on the floor kicking and crying for minutes (seems like hours) on end. Most of the time because of this little 2 letter word – No. Uh huh, who would have thought that such a small, little word could cause such uproar in our home…

Barney: Need I say more.

Fun: She is so much fun. I am loving this age. She is talking and babbling and singing and dancing and pretend playing and actually letting me snuggle her sometimes (ok, when Barney is on, she sits on my lap and lets me nuzzle on her). I love watching her little eyes taking everything in. She learns things so quickly sometimes, it amazes me.

Climbing: On everything. She had a laundry basket pulled up to the gate at the top of the stairs this morning...ahhhhhh!!!! She is so smart.

I always say "this is my favorite age" but it just keeps getting better and better and better.

I love this baby.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

2009-10-30T08:23:00.000-05:00

The Pumpkin Patch Experience

2009-10-28T12:27:00.005-05:00

I remember going to the pumpkin patch with our friends and their little boy when I was very first pregnant. I remember the feeling in my stomach, the butterflies and extreme excitement, that next year I will be the one posing my little one in the sea of orange pumpkins for that perfect photo.

Last year was awesome. Claire was the most darling pumpkin in the patch, by far. She was all smiles and laughs and coos.

This year was a different story. She whined and wanted to be held the whole time.

This is the best I could do...

See that outstretched hand? That was accompanied with a whine (note the scrunched up face) that continued until daddy gave in and picked her back up.

I was disappointed to say the least, but Ryan reminded me that Claire had fun, just not the kind of fun that I wanted her to have. There was a petting zoo, and pony rides, a playground, a kid friendly haunted house, and thousands of pumpkins to choose from. And funnel cakes...must I say more??? And Claire wanted nothing to do with any of it. She wanted to be carried around - oh and she wanted to smell the flowers on the way out too - her kind of fun, I guess.

While holding my hand...

It's tough being 18 months...

2009-10-23T10:28:00.002-05:00

What you are about to see is real. It is not a made for Internet reenactment. This child is not an actor. This is real, true life at the house of Claire Elizabeth...

And it went on, and on...

And I continued to snap picture after picture...

Note the tear running down the chubby cheek...

All of this because she brought me her coat to put on because she wanted to leave. And I said....

No.

Happy 18 Month Birthday Claire Elizabeth!

2009-10-22T11:26:00.004-05:00

Eighteen months.

You’re closer to two years than you are to one. Where has the time gone? You’ve grown up right before my eyes, yet I didn’t even see this one coming. This milestone. One and half years. A year and a half ago you opened your eyes to this new world. You came into my life and everything changed. I LOVE being your mom. I am so proud of everything that you have accomplished and overcome. Every single day I am reminded that the steps you take, the words that you jabber, the hugs that you give, are all amazing gifts. And I never take it for granted. I never take the fact that you are here, and you are healthy, and you are mine, for anything less that the priceless gift that it is.

I have enjoyed these past few months like none other. You have learned to walk (and run) and to talk. And I am responsible for that. I love teaching you new things, and you soak it all up like a sponge. It amazes me that in such a short time that you’ve learned so much. You are truly amazing.

You are a beautiful child inside and out. I could sit and stare and you all day long. I love everything about your sweet, angelic face. People tell us all the time that you’re beautiful, and inside I just burst with pride because only I know how deep that beauty really goes. I couldn’t have asked God for anything more. You are a joy and a delight to be around and you make anyone in the room smile. You have blessed our lives in more ways than we ever knew you could. Thank you for the best year and half of my life, baby girl. It just keeps getting better and better.

I love you always and forever!

Love, Mommy

Cute Stuff

2009-10-19T10:48:00.004-05:00

I know a little girl who is looking very forward to Halloween this year…

She loves the ghosts and pumpkins and witches…

And of course the candy…

And I think she just may have a little extra hop in her step when she puts on these shoes…

She can’t yet say trick or treat …

But she can say BOO!...

You’ll have to wait just one more week…

But for now here's a little peek!

Two Years Ago Today...

2009-10-13T10:06:00.003-05:00

Our lives were forever changed (October 2007)...

And it just keeps getting better (October 2008)...

And better (October 2009)...

Life is Good!

The Food Battle

2009-10-12T10:51:00.002-05:00

I’ve lost.

I have officially thrown in the towel and declared myself a loser.

Claire being the winner, of course.

I am a failure at meal time.

Claire has become a horrible eater. Picky is an understatement. I don’t know where we went wrong. She refuses most foods. She lives on turkey hot dogs, macaroni and cheese and fruit. There is no variety in her diet. SOMETIMES, I can get a container of yogurt in her. She hasn’t had a vegetable in months – and yes, I offer them at EVERY lunch and dinner. I don’t know what to do. I have become so frustrated at meal times that they end up in tears (mine) more times than not.

Here’s what happens: I cook dinner and make Claire a plate of whatever we’re having. And it’s not like I’m offering her disgusting, horrible things – it’s food that she’s always eaten in the past and liked! She looks at the plate on her tray and starts whining and crying. If we don’t immediately take it away, she throws the whole plate on the floor and then stares at us. Ryan yells at her, I yell at him for yelling at her. Sounds fun, huh? I get her down, so frustrated because this had been going on for months now. She has to be hungry, right? I say that if she doesn’t eat what we eat, then she doesn’t get anything else. 10 minutes later, I realize that she’s not even 18 months and doesn’t realize what’s going on - or does she? I warm up a turkey dog and she inhales it because she’s starving. She then eats pretzels and goldfish and yogurt drops and raisins and everything else that is “snack” food. And if you would put a french fry or cookie or fruit loops in front of her she’d eat that like crazy. So I don’t think it’s reflux related.

We had stopped her reflux medicine two weeks ago, and didn’t see a change in her eating or drinking (YEAH!!!), but I put her back on it yesterday to see if maybe that was the problem.

Any advice?

Do your kids eat? Are they picky? Is this normal? I’m going crazy here…

My Gift of Life

2009-10-07T12:37:00.004-05:00

Every night before I go to bed I slip into Claire’s room - cover her, bless her and watch her sleep for a while. I thank God that he has blessed me with such a perfect, healthy Angel. I thank him for giving me the opportunity to be a mom, HER mom. There is no greater gift in this world. Last night I stood at her crib-side just a little bit longer. Brushed her hair out of her eyes and felt her creamy soft cheek. A tear ran down my own cheek. I knocked it away. Then another came. And another. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help the overwhelming love that I felt. I remember her in that crib as a baby. So tiny and sweet. And now looking down at her – almost filling the bed. Surrounded by her Minnie Mouse dolls that she adores.

She is a little girl now. Where did the past year and a half go? Seriously, WHERE? I don’t even remember her going from this little baby that slept 20 hours a day to this little toddler that runs wild around the house until she finally crashes in her crib for the night. I love my baby.

She’ll always be my baby. Always and forever. She’ll always be the baby that made me a mom. She’ll always be the baby who’s heartbeat almost literally stopped my own beating heart when I heard it for the first time. She’ll be the baby who made me cry and cry when the ultrasound tech told me that she was a little girl. She’ll be the baby who made me realize the miracle, and gift, of life when she entered this world too soon.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with her and her tantrums, and the messes that she makes, and the things that she gets into. So many times I find myself annoyed that I have to clean milk drops up off the carpet or find chewed up and spit out cheese or apple behind the couch. So many times I think how easy it is to leave her at home with daddy while I run errands because I can be in and out in half the time.

And I have to stop myself and remember what a miracle it is to be a mom. That no other life experience is as rewarding. That no matter how many times I fish things out of the trash or clean up stains or step on toys that are left out that my little girl is responsible for all of it. And I wouldn't trade it for clean carpet and 20 minute grocery shopping for the world.

Thank you God for my Claire. Thank you for choosing me to be her mom.

((My mom's friend e-mailed yesterday with the worst news a mother could get. Her first grandson suddenly died in utero at 25 weeks. Her daughter in law was being induced yesterday to deliver her baby that had already gone to Heaven.))

Book Worm

2009-10-06T13:02:00.004-05:00

Claire loves books.

It is so darn cute when she gets a book of the shelf and walks over to us, turns around, and backs up until she falls into our laps. It’s precious. Then we read the story over and over and over. I’ve read ‘Polar Bear, Polar Bear’ so many times that my voice goes hoarse from making flamingo and walrus noises. How does one “flute” like a flamingo? How does one “bellow” like a walrus? I’ve asked myself these questions many a times. I think that the moment your baby is placed in your arms for the first time, something in your brain switches “ON” and you are no longer self conscious of your actions. You can baby talk and babble and sing off key and dance like crazy and make walrus and flamingo sounds without even thinking twice. And she laughs and loves every single minute of it.

When the house is quiet she's either 1) into something like the trash or the toilet or my make-up or toilet paper or 2) is on the couch with a book...

One of her favorite books has an old man sleeping and she points to his face, then puts her finger to her lips and says "shhhh".

And after a good book, a bowl of fruit loops to share with Mommy.

New Door, New Discovery

2009-09-30T10:18:00.003-05:00

Ryan installed a new door leading from our house to the garage. Claire patiently sat and watched in her monkey jammies...

After she got dressed she tried out the new handle...

And let herself out into the garage...

A*L*O*N*E

Dear Mama,

2009-09-24T10:12:00.014-05:00

Have I told you lately that you're the most coolest, awesomist, nicest, funnest mama in the whole wide world?

Well, you are. Thanks for taking me to do fun stuff.

I really, really liked the apple farm we went to last weekend.

You're the best mama in the world for letting me pet goats,

and feed baby camels,

even if they nibbled on my fingers, I didn't care, I mean I WAS sticking my fingers in their noses...

And you even let me ride a pony...maybe I'll like it better next year mama (and I'm sorry that all the other mama's were looking at you when I was tearing at your shirt and whining to get off after one walk around).

I was really just happy playing with rocks,

and climing on fences.

But I did have fun on the tractor ride. It was loud and bumpy and had lots of other kids that I could stare at - cuz you know how much I like to watch other kids mom.

And there were lots and lots of apples...

some I picked off of the trees

but most of the time i just picked them up off the ground, I mean, they were already picked FOR us,

and put them in daddy's bag

I tasted some red apples,

And some gold apples,

I think that I liked the red ones, so Liam and I stopped for a snack.

And mama, thanks for picking up that furry caterpillar and letting me touch it...I seen you putting on hand sanitizer after I pushed on it too hard and green stuff came out of it and then you dropped it and you couldn't "find" it again, but it's ok.

I hafta go take a nap now...this blogging thing is hard work!

I love you mama!!

xoxox--Claire Elizabeth

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-23T15:15:00.001-05:00

You are my sunshine...

Happy 17 Month Birthday!

2009-09-22T08:27:00.002-05:00

I blinked my eyes and you went from a sleepy, cuddly baby, to this...

And I'm lovin every single second of it!

Happy Birthday sweet baby girl, I love you more each and every day - although I STILL don't know how it's possible to love you more than I do today!

Love forever and always,

Mommy

PS. Check out Claire's new kicks ( :

Chocolate Cake

2009-09-17T11:58:00.002-05:00

It seems like kids start school and strep throat runs rampant around St. Louis. I woke up yesterday morning with tonsils full of white puss. Sound gross? Well it is. I got ready and hi-tailed it up to the W.algreens Take Care Clinic in hopes of beating all of the other sickies that forgo an actual doctor appointment and opt to go the W.algreens route. (NOTE: If you’re never used the above mentioned “dr” it’s wonderful. You are in and out in about 30 minutes and can get your script filled there too). Well, I beat no one there. I arrived at 7:45 and there were 6 people ahead of me! I waited an hour and then was called back. I left with an antibiotic and was off to work.

Seven hours of mindless reading, typing, returning phone calls and I was headed home.

I felt like crap and decided that a piece of chocolate cake would absolutely make it better. (Thanks Mom for sending dinner and chocolate cake home for us.) I got a big piece of cake and a glass of milk and hunkered down on the couch. Claire saw the plate of dark chocolate goodness that I should have hidden better (more on this later) and found a spot right next to me on the couch. I broke off a chunk for her and we had our dinner, right there, together on the couch. Chocolate cake and milk.

Now, onto the topic of hiding food. Does anyone else do this? I mean, Ryan and I will practically eat with our heads under the table or in the fridge so that she doesn’t see what we have. Usually it’s a cookie or french fries or cake or icing or soda or anything with a straw or something that we know will make a huge mess and we’re just not in the mood to deal with. And you know every dang time she finds us and we always end up giving in and sharing with her. We laugh when we hide though…we are HIDING FOOD from our 17 month old daughter! I don't remember reading about hiding food from your kid in "What to Expect"...

Icing face

Lake Part 2

2009-09-15T08:44:00.006-05:00

The first day was overcast, chilly, windy, but we still went out and played on the dock, splashed our piggies in the water and took a boat ride...in our jammies.

Claire manned the front of the boat the entire time...she loved the wind in her hair and occasional splash of water on her cheeks.

And snoozed on Auntie E for the boat ride home

I just can't help but smile when I look at this picture ( :

And yes, there's more for a later post...

A Heavy Heart

2009-09-14T14:26:00.002-05:00

My best friend, Carrie, laid her mother to rest today. My heart broke into a million pieces for her as she said 'goodbye for now' to her best friend.

I could barely look her in the eye as she made her way up the main isle at Church. A flood of emotions raced through my mind and body today as the piano played the all too familiar songs and the Pastor recited the all too familiar Bible verses. I held Claire close and buried my face in her silky soft hair, thanking God that he gave me the most precious gift in the world.

Life is so unfair.

I hate that my dear friend had to lose her mother just before her 31st birthday. I hate that God took Bernice away from Carrie way too soon. Miss Bernice will never have the pure love and joy of loving on her future grand babies - and she would have been an awesome grandma! And for all of that, my heart just hurts.

Rest in Peace, Sweet Bernice. You've gone to be with the Angels in Heaven where there is no more pain...

Life is Good

2009-09-11T14:16:00.001-05:00

There's nothing better than floating the day away...

Are you going to try for another one?

2009-09-09T09:34:00.004-05:00

Two years ago this past weekend Ryan and I made the biggest miracle of our lives…but are we going to do it again?

It seems that I hear this question more and more. And I never really know how to answer it. I always wanted kids. Always dreamed of a family. A family that is more than three. I always wanted to say “the kids”, not “Claire”. (**Please note that I am extremely blessed to have the amazing little miracle that I do**) I wanted to give my children siblings to play with. I wanted Claire to have the amazing bond with her sister that I have with my sister. I want the sound of little feet and tiny laughs to fill my house forever. I want to pull the baby swing and the bouncy seat back out from the basement. I want to fold teeny tiny sleepers and socks. I want to shop in the “baby” section of the stores again. I want to feel that overwhelming love when I hear the heartbeat for the first time. I want to feel the amazing feeling of the first movement, the first kick, the first roll while inside of me. I want to hold my baby close and nurse. I want to feel the peace that comes with holding a sleeping child. I want all of that.

But I am terrified.

I am so scared of leaving this world too soon. I am horrified at the thought that another pregnancy could take MY life and leave Claire without her mommy. I am well aware that my pregnancy with Claire could have killed me. I was terribly sick at the end and it was ME who had to deliver early to save both of our lives. And I am scared. No one can take care of her like I can. No one. I am scared that another c-section may go wrong. I am scared that I may not wake up from the anesthesia. I am scared that if I have to deliver early that we will live the NICU life again. And I don’t know that I’ll be strong enough to do it again.

Peace.

I pray for peace of mind. I pray that God will lead me in the right direction and put my mind and fears at ease.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Over the River and Through the Woods

2009-09-08T14:41:00.004-05:00

I meant to plan a fabulous family vacation this summer. I had every intention of packing up the car and getting away for a week. But with a bizzillion appointments and a sick little girl last winter, it seems as though all of my vacation AND sick time were used up very quickly. We decided to take advantage of the long Labor Day weekend and head to the lake (Tablerock lake for those of you who aren’t from ‘round here) for some much needed downtime.

First of all let me say that we have never travelled with Claire before. I had no idea the amount of baggage required for 3 days at someone else's house. So, I gave Claire one of these,

and got to packing.

The forecast called for rain most of the weekend but we decided to cross our fingers and pray for the best. We left Friday evening and ran into a ton of rain which made the first stretch a lot longer than we anticipated. We thought that it may be a good idea to stop and feed the darling little angel in the backseat when I noticed that the clock read 7:30!! So, we stopped at a W.endy’s and Claire was introduced to her very first Frosty…which she loved! (Who wouldn’t?!?!) I was soooo excited to stop at a W.endy’s because they took all of them out of St. Louis a few years ago and I am a big fan of the Frosty. Moving along... We got back in the car and Claire was introduced to another first, the car DVD player.

We borrowed one from some friends and Claire was enamored with the purple dinosaur that danced across the screen…for two and a half hours!! When we bought my car we thought kids were in the far, far future and never even gave a DVD player that was built in a second thought. Our 4 hour drive took a little over 5.5, but we got there safe and sound at 11pm with one tired little girl...

To be continued...

The end of the lazy, hazy, days of summer

2009-09-02T15:58:00.003-05:00

Fall is blowing in too soon. The windows have been opened, letting in a crisp breeze that fills the house with the smell of the outdoors. The days are getting shorter the nights are getting cooler. I bundled Claire up in socks, a jacket and a blanket to go for our walk last night. I pulled out leggings from the spring that now show a little ankle bone sticking out. The store shelves are stocked with pumpkins, costumes and Halloween Candy. I’m not ready to let go of the lazy days of summer.

I’m still hanging on to summer…the smell of sunscreen lingering on Claire after a day in the pool. Swimming suits with no diaper that show off the cutest tush in the world. Pink crocks on little baby feet. Sun hats. Popsicles on the deck that drip all the way down to her toes. Saturdays at the pool. My tanned husband. Wine on the patio with the baby monitor swooshing in the background. Flip flops. Tank tops. Bubble outfits on Claire. Evening walks. BBQ’s with friends and their kiddos. The park. The carefree evenings that seem to go on forever and ever...

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-02T09:42:00.001-05:00

I fall in love with this face, over and over, each and every day...

The Sweet Side of Life

2009-09-01T11:00:00.003-05:00

Just when you thought she couldn't possibly get any sweeter than she already is...

She enjoys her very first sprinkled donut!

Maybe there is a sprinkle left on my arm here...

Life is, oh, so sweet!

Happy Belated Sixteen Months

2009-08-27T15:18:00.003-05:00

Today.

Saturday, August 22, 2009.

I sit and watch you climb the playground equipment. I watch as your little calf muscles flex as you stretch on your tippy toes to reach the bar that is just a hair out of your reach. I watch your face turn from a nervous grin to joyful amusement as you glide down the slide. Your soft curls blow and your perfect white teeth sparkle as the wind catches you on the way down.

Carefree.

Not a care in the world. You squeal and scream in excitement as you toddle your way over to the next gym. Each step carefully thought out and planned, still a little wobbly on those now chunky legs. You reach up and catch my hand and you run, as fast as those little feet will carry you. I run along side of you.

Just you and me.

The air is so warm, your hand is so small. I am taking all of this in. The smell of the mulch. The feel of your tiny fingers gripping mine for support. The way your hair reflects red tones in the sunlight. Your tongue sticking out in concentration. Your curly bow flopping up and down with each step. Your little S.tride Rite shoes barely pounding the ground along side of mine in perfect rhythm.

A moment in time.

I never want this moment to end. I want to picture this perfect Saturday in my mind forever. The day you turned 16 months. The day that I realized that you’re more of a toddler than a baby anymore. The day that I put you in your carseat and you tried to buckle up by yourself. The day that I looked in the rear-view mirror as we pulled away from the playground and saw a little girl looking back at me. The day you caught my eye in that mirror and threw me a kiss. The day that I realized that you probably love me as much as I love you. The day that I knew that Daddy and I have done an awesome job making you into this amazing, loving little girl that you are becoming.

That day.

Thanks for 16 amazing, wonderful months Claire Elizabeth…

Love, Mommy

Wordless Wednesday

2009-08-26T10:17:00.002-05:00

One Barney DVD $15
One Barney Doll that sings 'I Love You' $20
Twenty Minutes of "Mommy-time" Priceless

Perfect Weekend

2009-08-24T15:46:00.002-05:00

Monday came way too fast this week. I was spoiled with some serious face time with Claire this weekend. I had 2 days with her and she wasn’t out of my sight or reach for one single minute. We played, and laughed, and climbed, and stacked, and colored, and shopped, and lunched, and dined out, and went to the playground twice. I got more kisses and hugs and "mama’s" and sideways glances just-to-make-sure-you’re-still-there than I can count. And I loved it. I love knowing that I’m her favorite person to play with. And I know that sooner than later those "mama’s" will be replaced with “mom” and I won’t be her best friend and playmate anymore. And I tear up just thinking about it. She is growing up way too fast on me…